Okay, I bow down to Tracy Moore, who wrote this beauty of a piece
for "JEZEBEL," entitled: "You’re So Not Almost Ready for a Baby, Even If You Think You Are."
Yep. You win, Tracy. Your one-pager beats any long-winded treatise I've
ever written in trying to convince prospective parents to think it over. You
are the champ.
To read the whole piece,
click on the links above. But here for your enjoyment is the best bullet list
ever, Tracy's "Baby Squad™ Fitness Program for
Actual Baby Readiness.", it would come with the following drills/regimen
for the entire year prior to conception:
Practice
wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
Wake
up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28
minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
Socialize
with friends in 18-second increments.
Practice
asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under
sixty seconds — two bites into the meal.
Watch
38% of any film or television show; never see the ending or resolution.
Read
the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
Shower
every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
Hire
a makeup artist to make you up to look 10 years older. Look at yourself in the
mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink.
Pack
two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the
house.
Stand
around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day
while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
Practice
wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally
appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all
clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.
Memorize
The Cat in the Hat, then repeat every evening between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.
Make
24 hours of baby-crying audio; hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire
up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain
important or useful information.
Imagine a mental written
list of your responsibilities for each day, tear it in
half, burn one piece, take a shit (literally) on the other one.
half, burn one piece, take a shit (literally) on the other one.
No comments:
Post a Comment