Here's A2person:
I recently had a lengthy dialogue with a friend and mentor of mine about this very subject. Married to his wife for over 20 years, he described to me a sort of cyclical process of falling in and falling-out of love. "While I always *love* my wife, I am not always in-love with her," was how he phrased it and he went on to describe the cycle in which the two of them continually fall in-love and fall out-of-love only to fall in-love once again, and how they have built their relationship by enduring, accepting and celebrating this overall cycle together. This approach suggests that people are perhaps too hasty to end a relationship when eros/in-loveness initially fades. Moreover, it suggests that a capacity for a long term partnership is the ability to respect and care for a person during those inevitable troughs of "out-of-loveness." I'm wondering if you had any comment on this approach. There is, on one end of the continuum, a 'staying-in-a-relationship-long-past-the-expiration-of-eros' problem; but are there not also problems of impatience, seeking instant gratification, and premature romantic endings at the firs sign of trouble? (Especially for us me-me-me, now-now-now Millennials, it’s challenging to discern the difference!)
Here's PL:
Indeed, A2, Eros, like all the great forces of nature, has "tides," "currents," "surges," even "seasons," as such, and yes, there are times when it may seem to ebb. However, as the excellent Pathwork Guide Lecture on this subject makes clear, it is holding back from revealing yourself to your loved one, and/or believing there is no more to discover about your partner-in-love, that leads to the constriction of Eros.
Falling in love, that "free sample" of Eros as I have come to call it, is something that most people can experience. Staying in love, however, requires a determined level of self-work in order to facilitate the continuing personal self-revelation and the willingness to explore another needed to maintain Eros.
We are human, magnificent, true, but all works in progress, and so we are inclined at times to shut the door to our inner lives and to the person we love. If two people are truly in love, though, they will inevitably, and sooner rather than later, re-open the door to Eros. What your friend and mentor is describing as "falling in and out of love," for example, I would call opening and closing the door to the Eros that has always been there. On the other hand, if Eros is truly gone between two people, it is gone, and in my experience and observation, usually for good, even if there is a fair amount of love between them.
It is the last reality that human beings find so hard to accept, and as I pointed out in my original post, it is why so many people experience the endings of a relationship with anger, trauma and drama, or why people linger in passionless relationships.
Valuable and important question, A2. Thank you!
"I Just Wish He Would Have An Affair!" (More on the Pursuit of Eros!)
You can find the article with the above title, written by Monique Honaman, HERE, and of course you can find many blog post by me on this subject on the FPL blog Just do a search for "Eros" or "marriage" or "affair."
Here's the response I left for Monique:
Thank you for posting this, Monique.
Not only do I have an "opinion" about this subject, I have written about it often on my blog, and talked about it in the work that I do as a psychotherapist and teacher.
"Eros" - that "in-love" feeling that makes everything in life feel so wonderful - is a very powerful emotional force, perhaps the most powerful force human beings can experience. But here's the thing - like all of the great forces of nature, we cannot really control it.
Most people accept the fact that we can fall in love, that Eros strikes unexpectedly, often when we aren't even consciously seeking it, often with a person we might not otherwise imagine ourselves being with. That's why we use the word "falling" when describing the phenomenon.
Yet, few are as equally willing to accept that we can fall out of love in the same way we fall in love - unexpectedly and for no apparent reason.
This unwillingness unfortunately causes people to stay in relationships that have long-since lost their passion - and you are right, Monique, that's bad for them and bad for the kids - or it leads to people breaking up badly, i.e. - cheating on your partner as a way of seeking Eros elsewhere.
Yes, we very much need to change the "'till death do us part" syndrome and trsut the forces of love-Eros-and-sex at both ends of the journey.
Thanks, Monique!
Peter Loffredo, LCSW
Here's the response I left for Monique:
Thank you for posting this, Monique.
Not only do I have an "opinion" about this subject, I have written about it often on my blog, and talked about it in the work that I do as a psychotherapist and teacher.
"Eros" - that "in-love" feeling that makes everything in life feel so wonderful - is a very powerful emotional force, perhaps the most powerful force human beings can experience. But here's the thing - like all of the great forces of nature, we cannot really control it.
Most people accept the fact that we can fall in love, that Eros strikes unexpectedly, often when we aren't even consciously seeking it, often with a person we might not otherwise imagine ourselves being with. That's why we use the word "falling" when describing the phenomenon.
Yet, few are as equally willing to accept that we can fall out of love in the same way we fall in love - unexpectedly and for no apparent reason.
This unwillingness unfortunately causes people to stay in relationships that have long-since lost their passion - and you are right, Monique, that's bad for them and bad for the kids - or it leads to people breaking up badly, i.e. - cheating on your partner as a way of seeking Eros elsewhere.
Yes, we very much need to change the "'till death do us part" syndrome and trsut the forces of love-Eros-and-sex at both ends of the journey.
Thanks, Monique!
Peter Loffredo, LCSW
Shakamazar on: "I Just Wish He Would Have An Affair!"/PL Responds!
Here's Shakamazar:
As I understand it -We all CREATE our own reality- which means we are creating these experiences for a reason -nothing is random or coincidence and nothing is "taken" from us without our consent. If your explanation were true - "Unexpectedly and for no apparent reason" - wouldn't it stand to reason that the person in question is living an unconscious life - at best? It seems to describe an adult deep in denial about their own intentions and with little or no self-reflection and no sense of their own ability to make choices. I echo these words... "Choice, choice, choice." Choices, we all have them, every moment of every day, we make them, unconsciously or consciously. It's your choice. If you were to release any judgement or guilt and just let yourself be OK with falling in or out of love- couldn't it then be OK to consider the fact that we have chosen to do so?
Here's PL:
Indeed, Shakamazar, if one has done the self-work necessary to become conscious of the movement of powerful forces like Eros through one's life on a day to day basis, one would be less likely to be "taken" by surprise by the shifts in such forces. The question often asked is: If you have done the self-work required so that you are willing to continue revealing yourself to yourself and to your love partner, and he or she is willing to do the same, shouldn't Eros last indefinitely?
The answer, according to the Guide of the Pathwork Guide lectures, is: Yes, but not necessarily.
Eros serves a purpose - to bring two incarnate souls together who have agreed to unite for a period of time for a specific purpose. Yes, it is true that by refusing to pursue the processes of self-revelation and discovery, one can prematurely bring Eros to an end, leaving a desired soul task incomplete.
That being said, however, if the self-revelation efforts continue in earnest between both parties, it still is possible that Eros may run its course before the lifetime has completed. Thus, the falling out of love experience.
In the later case, however, the ending would be mutually agreed upon in a state of love and harmony, not in anger or crashing disappointment, as is so often the case when the mission has been "aborted" through refusal to do the self-work. A couple who have stayed the course of self-revelation and discovery, but nonetheless have run out the course of Eros, will let go of their prior relationship with the love remaining. This can be an extraordinarily beautiful occurrence.
Thank you, Shakamazar, for your very thoughtful comment.
As I understand it -We all CREATE our own reality- which means we are creating these experiences for a reason -nothing is random or coincidence and nothing is "taken" from us without our consent. If your explanation were true - "Unexpectedly and for no apparent reason" - wouldn't it stand to reason that the person in question is living an unconscious life - at best? It seems to describe an adult deep in denial about their own intentions and with little or no self-reflection and no sense of their own ability to make choices. I echo these words... "Choice, choice, choice." Choices, we all have them, every moment of every day, we make them, unconsciously or consciously. It's your choice. If you were to release any judgement or guilt and just let yourself be OK with falling in or out of love- couldn't it then be OK to consider the fact that we have chosen to do so?
Here's PL:
Indeed, Shakamazar, if one has done the self-work necessary to become conscious of the movement of powerful forces like Eros through one's life on a day to day basis, one would be less likely to be "taken" by surprise by the shifts in such forces. The question often asked is: If you have done the self-work required so that you are willing to continue revealing yourself to yourself and to your love partner, and he or she is willing to do the same, shouldn't Eros last indefinitely?
The answer, according to the Guide of the Pathwork Guide lectures, is: Yes, but not necessarily.
Eros serves a purpose - to bring two incarnate souls together who have agreed to unite for a period of time for a specific purpose. Yes, it is true that by refusing to pursue the processes of self-revelation and discovery, one can prematurely bring Eros to an end, leaving a desired soul task incomplete.
That being said, however, if the self-revelation efforts continue in earnest between both parties, it still is possible that Eros may run its course before the lifetime has completed. Thus, the falling out of love experience.
In the later case, however, the ending would be mutually agreed upon in a state of love and harmony, not in anger or crashing disappointment, as is so often the case when the mission has been "aborted" through refusal to do the self-work. A couple who have stayed the course of self-revelation and discovery, but nonetheless have run out the course of Eros, will let go of their prior relationship with the love remaining. This can be an extraordinarily beautiful occurrence.
Thank you, Shakamazar, for your very thoughtful comment.
TODAY'S QUOTE!
"Inherent in man are evolutionary constructive forces, which urge him to realize his given potentialities, that man by his very nature and of his own accord, strives toward self-realization, and that his values evolve from such striving. With such a belief in an autonomous striving toward self-realization, we do not need an inner straight jacket with which to shackle our spontaneity, nor the whip of inner dictates to drive us to perfection. There is no doubt that such disciplinary methods can succeed in suppressing undesirable factors, but there is also no doubt that they are injurious to our growth. We do not need them because we see a better possibility of dealing with destructive forces in ourselves: that of actually outgrowing them. The way toward this goal is an ever increasing awareness and understanding of ourselves."
(Karen Horney)
(Karen Horney)
ATTACHMENT "PARENTING?!"
Dr. William Sears is perhaps the most vocal advocate of what is referred to as "attachment parenting." Sears coined the term and apparently actress Mayim Bialik, thinks it's all that. (Bialik currently appears as Amy Farrah Fowler on "The Big Bang Theory.")
Where do I begin? As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, working with families, couples and children, I have to land firmly on the side against what should accurately be called the "Family Bed Syndrome."
From day one, the progression of a child's development is from symbiosis (the stage of complete psychological merging with the mother) to autonomy (the stage that begins in earnest at around one year and continues these days into early adulthood). While it is true that emotional and physical deprivation and a lack of healthy connection with a loving caretaker (usually the mother) during the first years of life will interfere with the development of healthy independence, it is equally true, and more common in today's "Park Slope Parents," that over-attachment between mother and child, and continued over-involvement by parents in the child's developmental process, prevents healthy individuation, as well, sometimes in ways that are more difficult to treat. Primary narcissism, the result of over-investment by a parent in a child in the early years, is one of the most virulent and resistant types of disorders faced in psychotherapy.
Sorry, but Mayim Bialik doesn't have a clue.
Where do I begin? As a psychotherapist for over 30 years, working with families, couples and children, I have to land firmly on the side against what should accurately be called the "Family Bed Syndrome."
From day one, the progression of a child's development is from symbiosis (the stage of complete psychological merging with the mother) to autonomy (the stage that begins in earnest at around one year and continues these days into early adulthood). While it is true that emotional and physical deprivation and a lack of healthy connection with a loving caretaker (usually the mother) during the first years of life will interfere with the development of healthy independence, it is equally true, and more common in today's "Park Slope Parents," that over-attachment between mother and child, and continued over-involvement by parents in the child's developmental process, prevents healthy individuation, as well, sometimes in ways that are more difficult to treat. Primary narcissism, the result of over-investment by a parent in a child in the early years, is one of the most virulent and resistant types of disorders faced in psychotherapy.
Sorry, but Mayim Bialik doesn't have a clue.
WOW! THE PARENTS ARE MAD ABOUT THE FAMILY BED SYNDROME!
Check out the slew of angry replies I got to my comment on the Huffington Post about the problems with "Attachment Parenting" yesterday HERE, then read my response to the angry parent below:
"To all of the parents who responded to my comments about what I referred to as the 'Family Bed Syndrome' by telling me how clueless I am and how happy their kids are, I would inform you that it is from your kids that I receive my information. I have been working with your kids, many of them now adults, for 30+ years, and one of the diagnostic signs for how difficult the treatment process is going to be is when they start out telling me in the first session how 'close' they were to their parents in childhood, or how their mom or dad was their 'best friend,' or was the 'greatest person in the world,' etc. I learned this over the years from them. I didn't go into this profession with a bias against parents, and sorry, but it's not a coincidence that all of the angry responses I received were from said self-proclaimed 'great parents,' none from the 'happy kids,' though I'm sure you could cajole them to write in to support you.
Listen, I'm not implying that your intentions towards your children were malicious; I'm saying that what kids need more than anything else is for their parents to be self-actualized and fulfilled in their own outer lives, separate from their kids. Love and enmeshment are not the same thing."
"To all of the parents who responded to my comments about what I referred to as the 'Family Bed Syndrome' by telling me how clueless I am and how happy their kids are, I would inform you that it is from your kids that I receive my information. I have been working with your kids, many of them now adults, for 30+ years, and one of the diagnostic signs for how difficult the treatment process is going to be is when they start out telling me in the first session how 'close' they were to their parents in childhood, or how their mom or dad was their 'best friend,' or was the 'greatest person in the world,' etc. I learned this over the years from them. I didn't go into this profession with a bias against parents, and sorry, but it's not a coincidence that all of the angry responses I received were from said self-proclaimed 'great parents,' none from the 'happy kids,' though I'm sure you could cajole them to write in to support you.
Listen, I'm not implying that your intentions towards your children were malicious; I'm saying that what kids need more than anything else is for their parents to be self-actualized and fulfilled in their own outer lives, separate from their kids. Love and enmeshment are not the same thing."
A THOUGHTFUL EXCHANGE (FOR A CHANGE) ON "ATTACHMENT PARENTING!"
Here's WWJJD to PL:
Attachment Parenting and Co-sleeping does NOT mean that you and your child are "Best Friends". In fact, I can't stand it when people say they are Best Friends with their children, you are a Parent, not a friend....you can be friends later when they are adults. I really think there is this huge confusion between being an Attachment Parent and a Helicopter Parent. All the children I have met that have had parents that practice some form of AP have amazing, well adjusted, wonderful kids. One couple we know says they do AP, but it is WAY more of a hovering and suffocating form of parenting. The mainstream parents that I know also have good kids, but they do seem to be the type of parent that hovers over their child instead of letting them just "BE".
I agree that Love and enmeshment are not the same thing and Attachment Parenting does not and is not about that at all.
I am going to look at your website because I like another well thought out opinion, but I really think there needs to be a clarification between AP and Helicopter type parenting, they are not the same.
Here's PL:
Dear WWJJD - Thank you for your very thoughtful responses to my posts. Ultimately, intention is everything, and the clarity and genuineness of one's intentions are always a function of how self-aware and connected the person in question is to their own feelings and inner life. That being the case, the essence of good parenting doesn't reside in a particular technique or theory, but rather in the above-mention state of being. "Attachment Parenting," or any other "method" of parenting, in the hands of a person who is not self-actualized will be a cause of later dysfunction in the life of the offspring raised under those circumstances. The problems may not show up in full force until adulthood when relationship, career, or mental/emotional issues appear, but show up they will. You may be right, WW, that AP is not in and of itself a faulty concept, but there are a lot of "as-if" parents out there, trying to superimpose an approach or idea over their own unmet psychological and emotional needs, and that is always at the expense of their children.
Thanks for checking out my blog. Love to hear more from you.
Best,
Peter Loffredo, LCSW
Attachment Parenting and Co-sleeping does NOT mean that you and your child are "Best Friends". In fact, I can't stand it when people say they are Best Friends with their children, you are a Parent, not a friend....you can be friends later when they are adults. I really think there is this huge confusion between being an Attachment Parent and a Helicopter Parent. All the children I have met that have had parents that practice some form of AP have amazing, well adjusted, wonderful kids. One couple we know says they do AP, but it is WAY more of a hovering and suffocating form of parenting. The mainstream parents that I know also have good kids, but they do seem to be the type of parent that hovers over their child instead of letting them just "BE".
I agree that Love and enmeshment are not the same thing and Attachment Parenting does not and is not about that at all.
I am going to look at your website because I like another well thought out opinion, but I really think there needs to be a clarification between AP and Helicopter type parenting, they are not the same.
Here's PL:
Dear WWJJD - Thank you for your very thoughtful responses to my posts. Ultimately, intention is everything, and the clarity and genuineness of one's intentions are always a function of how self-aware and connected the person in question is to their own feelings and inner life. That being the case, the essence of good parenting doesn't reside in a particular technique or theory, but rather in the above-mention state of being. "Attachment Parenting," or any other "method" of parenting, in the hands of a person who is not self-actualized will be a cause of later dysfunction in the life of the offspring raised under those circumstances. The problems may not show up in full force until adulthood when relationship, career, or mental/emotional issues appear, but show up they will. You may be right, WW, that AP is not in and of itself a faulty concept, but there are a lot of "as-if" parents out there, trying to superimpose an approach or idea over their own unmet psychological and emotional needs, and that is always at the expense of their children.
Thanks for checking out my blog. Love to hear more from you.
Best,
Peter Loffredo, LCSW
A THOUGHTFUL COMMENT ON THE ANGRY "FAMILY BED" PARENTS!
ANONYMOUS wrote in a response to this comment by "sofarfrome" to PL on the Huffintgon Post:
Here's sofarfrome: “Are you still a psychotherapist? If so perhaps you should consider retiring. Experts like you give experts a bad name."
Here's ANONYMOUS: "Hey Professor Expert Tiger Dad,
Thanks for all the great laughs this morning. It has been a real treat.
If you retire, where are some of these perfect kids going to go in 10 years when their skulls are exploding and marriages failing?
I can only deduce that "sofarfrome" is in reference to one of her special ones moving 'far away from Mommy'.
Wow, wow, holy cow you really poked the hornets nest this time.
Thanks again for what will be at least an entire weekend of laughs for my girlfriend and I.
Keep on truckin'
PS I have already answered my own question from above. Please disregard. I am sure all of these "great kids" have great jobs and great doctors who are more than willing to prescribe them plenty of great legal drugs to get them through their not so great days and sexless nights."
Here's sofarfrome: “Are you still a psychotherapist? If so perhaps you should consider retiring. Experts like you give experts a bad name."
Here's ANONYMOUS: "Hey Professor Expert Tiger Dad,
Thanks for all the great laughs this morning. It has been a real treat.
If you retire, where are some of these perfect kids going to go in 10 years when their skulls are exploding and marriages failing?
I can only deduce that "sofarfrome" is in reference to one of her special ones moving 'far away from Mommy'.
Wow, wow, holy cow you really poked the hornets nest this time.
Thanks again for what will be at least an entire weekend of laughs for my girlfriend and I.
Keep on truckin'
PS I have already answered my own question from above. Please disregard. I am sure all of these "great kids" have great jobs and great doctors who are more than willing to prescribe them plenty of great legal drugs to get them through their not so great days and sexless nights."
Repost: TODAY'S "How to Be Amazing When You Suck at Everything" QUOTE!
"I did some reevaluating of my life and realized that the reason I was failing at everything I touched was because it wasn't in my destiny to do them. I found that I had to force myself to work jobs everyone else told me I'd be good at. Stuffing myself in the same box that the people who didn't believe in me stuffed me in. I was trying to be something that I wasn't to please people who didn't give a $@!* about me anyway.
So I made the decision to live my life according to what was going to make ME the happiest."
Tiphani N. Montgomery (Bestselling Author)
So I made the decision to live my life according to what was going to make ME the happiest."
Tiphani N. Montgomery (Bestselling Author)
THE TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING! THINK ABOUT THIS!!
Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
LIKE STEALING CANDY FROM A BABY?!
CHECK OUT THESE 2 NEW STUDIES ON WALL STREET AND THE RICH:
In the Business Insider: "Rich People Are More Likely To Lie, Cheat, And Steal Candy From Children"
In CFA a trade magazine: "One Out Of Every Ten Wall Street Employees Is A Psychopath, Say Researchers"
Hello!
READ MORE ON THE PSYCHOPATHIC CHARACTER HERE.
In the Business Insider: "Rich People Are More Likely To Lie, Cheat, And Steal Candy From Children"
In CFA a trade magazine: "One Out Of Every Ten Wall Street Employees Is A Psychopath, Say Researchers"
Hello!
READ MORE ON THE PSYCHOPATHIC CHARACTER HERE.
WHY ARE THERE STILL LOW VIBES IN MY LIFE? YOU CHOSE TO BE ON EARTH!
HERE is a link to a recent clip by "Bashar," channeling through Darryl Ankar, addressing a question I hear often from people who have done a significant amount of self-work, but still find that there are people in their lives operating at a lower level of consciousness than they are. The complaint usually sounds something like this:
"After all this work I've done to raise my own level of self-awareness and understanding, and to connect to my feelings, why am I still attracting this kind of person or energy into my life?"
Well, according to Bashar, it's simple: "You chose to be here!"
"After all this work I've done to raise my own level of self-awareness and understanding, and to connect to my feelings, why am I still attracting this kind of person or energy into my life?"
Well, according to Bashar, it's simple: "You chose to be here!"
PLANET OF THE FULL PERMISSION LIVING APES?!
Christopher Ryan is one of the freshest voices in the modern scientific movement to decode the mystery of human sexuality. His book, Sex At Dawn, busts many of the myths surrounding human sexual evolution, based upon contextual evidence from our hominid ancestors as well as our living relatives, namely, the great apes.
We've known for some time that bonobos (previously known as "pygmy chimpanzees") are among one of the most sexual of all living animals—besides of course, humans. Frans de Waal dubbed them the "make love, not war" species, since they seem to resolve the majority of conflicts through sexual activity. From them, we can learn a thing or two--or seven.
So, without further ado, here are seven things we can learn about love from bonobos, as described by Dr. Christopher Ryan:
1. More sex = less conflict. As the great primatologist, Frans de Waal put it, "Chimps use violence to get sex, while bonobos use sex to avoid violence." While chimps victimize each other in many ways--rape, murder, infanticide, warfare between groups--there's never been a single observed case of any of these forms of aggression among bonobos, who are much sexier than chimps. As James Prescott demonstrated in a meta-analysis of all available anthropological data, the connection between less restrictive sexuality and less conflict generally holds true for human societies as well.
2. Feminism can be very sexy. When females are in charge, everyone lives better (including the males). While male chimps run the show, among bonobos, it's the females who are in charge, with much better quality of life for everyone involved (see #1).
3. Sisterhood is powerful. Although female bonobos are about 20% smaller than males--roughly the same ratio as in chimps and humans--they dominate males by sticking together. If a male gets out of line and harasses a female, ALL the other females will gang up on him. This sisterly solidarity, combined with lots of sex, tends to keep the males behaving politely.
4. Jealousy isn't romantic. While bonobos no-doubt experience unique feelings for one another, they don't seem to worry much about controlling one another's sex lives. Nor do bonobos seem to gossip much...
5. There's promise in promiscuity. All the casual sex among bonobos is arguably a big part of what has made them among the smartest of all primates. Until human beings came along and messed things up for them, bonobos enjoyed very high quality of life, low stress, and plenty of social interaction in hammocks. In fact, of the many species of social primates living in multi-male social groups, not a single species is sexually monogamous. Each of the arguably smartest mammals--humans, chimps, bonobos, and dolphins--is promiscuous.
6. Good sex needn't always include an orgasm, and "casual" doesn't necessarily mean "empty" or "cheap." Most bonobo sexual interactions are nothing more than a quick feel, rub, or intromission--a "bonobo handshake," if you will. (See Vanessa Woods's excellent book by that name for a personal story of living with bonobos while falling in love.) But bonobos are very romantic: like humans, they kiss, hold hands (and feet!), and gaze into one another's eyes while having sex.
7. Sex and food go together better than love and marriage. Nothing gets a bonobo orgy started faster than a feast. Give a group of bonobos a bunch of food and they'll all have some quick sex before very politely sharing the food. No need to fight over scraps like a bunch of uncouth chimps!
We've known for some time that bonobos (previously known as "pygmy chimpanzees") are among one of the most sexual of all living animals—besides of course, humans. Frans de Waal dubbed them the "make love, not war" species, since they seem to resolve the majority of conflicts through sexual activity. From them, we can learn a thing or two--or seven.
So, without further ado, here are seven things we can learn about love from bonobos, as described by Dr. Christopher Ryan:
1. More sex = less conflict. As the great primatologist, Frans de Waal put it, "Chimps use violence to get sex, while bonobos use sex to avoid violence." While chimps victimize each other in many ways--rape, murder, infanticide, warfare between groups--there's never been a single observed case of any of these forms of aggression among bonobos, who are much sexier than chimps. As James Prescott demonstrated in a meta-analysis of all available anthropological data, the connection between less restrictive sexuality and less conflict generally holds true for human societies as well.
2. Feminism can be very sexy. When females are in charge, everyone lives better (including the males). While male chimps run the show, among bonobos, it's the females who are in charge, with much better quality of life for everyone involved (see #1).
3. Sisterhood is powerful. Although female bonobos are about 20% smaller than males--roughly the same ratio as in chimps and humans--they dominate males by sticking together. If a male gets out of line and harasses a female, ALL the other females will gang up on him. This sisterly solidarity, combined with lots of sex, tends to keep the males behaving politely.
4. Jealousy isn't romantic. While bonobos no-doubt experience unique feelings for one another, they don't seem to worry much about controlling one another's sex lives. Nor do bonobos seem to gossip much...
5. There's promise in promiscuity. All the casual sex among bonobos is arguably a big part of what has made them among the smartest of all primates. Until human beings came along and messed things up for them, bonobos enjoyed very high quality of life, low stress, and plenty of social interaction in hammocks. In fact, of the many species of social primates living in multi-male social groups, not a single species is sexually monogamous. Each of the arguably smartest mammals--humans, chimps, bonobos, and dolphins--is promiscuous.
6. Good sex needn't always include an orgasm, and "casual" doesn't necessarily mean "empty" or "cheap." Most bonobo sexual interactions are nothing more than a quick feel, rub, or intromission--a "bonobo handshake," if you will. (See Vanessa Woods's excellent book by that name for a personal story of living with bonobos while falling in love.) But bonobos are very romantic: like humans, they kiss, hold hands (and feet!), and gaze into one another's eyes while having sex.
7. Sex and food go together better than love and marriage. Nothing gets a bonobo orgy started faster than a feast. Give a group of bonobos a bunch of food and they'll all have some quick sex before very politely sharing the food. No need to fight over scraps like a bunch of uncouth chimps!
PL SOON TO BE REPLACED BY AN APP? BRING IT ON!
LOL! That's my first response. Bring it on! That's my second. "If only." That's my third response.
There's an article in last week's Science section of the NY Times entitled: "Feeling Anxious? Soon There Will Be An App For That." That's right. That's what it's about, according to the author of the piece, Benedict Carey, "therapy apps, in effect, that may soon make psychological help accessible anytime, anywhere, whether in the grocery store line, on the bus or just before a work presentation."
Well, all I can say - besides "LOL," "Bring it on," and "If only" - is that I have been looking for a short cut around the painstaking process of psychotherapy for three decades. In that search, I have studied and/or practiced psychoanalytic treatment modalities, object relations theory, paradoxical therapy, Jungian analysis, behavioral-cognitive therapies, Gestalt, Primal Scream, Bioenergetics, Core Energetics, hypnosis, past life regression, channeling, Alexander and rebirthing techniques, herbal cleanses, acupuncture, shiatsu, Reiki and Full Permission Living, all in an effort to put myself out of business, which is how I see being successful as a therapist.
As a result of those efforts, which have required more than anything else that I subject myself to all of the above processes, I have been able to help some people go deeper into themselves and experience profound shifts and healings in their personalities, and to achieve such shifts and healings at an accelerated rate, but we're still talking years. And years of whatever-it-takes determination on the part of the patient and therapist. And a crucial part of the process has always been the therapeutic relationship, the actual partnership, person to person, between therapist and patient, rolling up their sleeves and going into the netherlands of our psyches and emotional lives.
An app for therapy?
Well, here's Dr. Andrew J. Gerber, a psychiatrist at Columbia University, quoted in the Times piece on the prospect of a therapy icon next to Angry Birds and Fruit Ninja:
“We are built as human beings to figure out our place in the world, to construct a narrative in the context of a relationship that gives meaning to our lives. I would be wary of treatments that don’t allow for that.”
I couldn't agree with you more, Dr. Gerber.
[Footnote: I didn't mention psychopharmacology or psychosurgery as treatment methods I've tried because I don't consider modern psychiatry to be in the business of helping people or providing actual healing treatments.]
There's an article in last week's Science section of the NY Times entitled: "Feeling Anxious? Soon There Will Be An App For That." That's right. That's what it's about, according to the author of the piece, Benedict Carey, "therapy apps, in effect, that may soon make psychological help accessible anytime, anywhere, whether in the grocery store line, on the bus or just before a work presentation."
Well, all I can say - besides "LOL," "Bring it on," and "If only" - is that I have been looking for a short cut around the painstaking process of psychotherapy for three decades. In that search, I have studied and/or practiced psychoanalytic treatment modalities, object relations theory, paradoxical therapy, Jungian analysis, behavioral-cognitive therapies, Gestalt, Primal Scream, Bioenergetics, Core Energetics, hypnosis, past life regression, channeling, Alexander and rebirthing techniques, herbal cleanses, acupuncture, shiatsu, Reiki and Full Permission Living, all in an effort to put myself out of business, which is how I see being successful as a therapist.
As a result of those efforts, which have required more than anything else that I subject myself to all of the above processes, I have been able to help some people go deeper into themselves and experience profound shifts and healings in their personalities, and to achieve such shifts and healings at an accelerated rate, but we're still talking years. And years of whatever-it-takes determination on the part of the patient and therapist. And a crucial part of the process has always been the therapeutic relationship, the actual partnership, person to person, between therapist and patient, rolling up their sleeves and going into the netherlands of our psyches and emotional lives.
An app for therapy?
Well, here's Dr. Andrew J. Gerber, a psychiatrist at Columbia University, quoted in the Times piece on the prospect of a therapy icon next to Angry Birds and Fruit Ninja:
“We are built as human beings to figure out our place in the world, to construct a narrative in the context of a relationship that gives meaning to our lives. I would be wary of treatments that don’t allow for that.”
I couldn't agree with you more, Dr. Gerber.
[Footnote: I didn't mention psychopharmacology or psychosurgery as treatment methods I've tried because I don't consider modern psychiatry to be in the business of helping people or providing actual healing treatments.]
NEW LINK TO ALL THE CHARACTER STRUCTURES!
Well, yes, finally, I put all of the character structures in one place and made a link to get to them! The link is at the top of the list in the "Links" section on the lower right side of the blog. Check it out... and have fun finding your self!
"Tired of Feeling Bad? The 'New' Science of Feelings Can Help!"
Yes, that's the title of a piece by one Richard J. Davidson, professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, claiming to have made the "revolutionary" discovery that emotions and reason are not actually separate in their interplay in our psyches.
"It is hard to exaggerate what a break this is from the conventional wisdom in psychology and neuroscience," says Davidson.
Okay, yes, I'm LOL-ing as I write this.
New to who, Professor D?
Sixteen years ago, Daniel Goleman's book, "Emotional Intelligence," along with others like "Descarte's Error," by Antonio R. Damasio, and "Molecules of Emotion," by Candace Pert, were already shaking the shaky underpinnings of psychiatry and psychology regarding the relative importance of mind and emotions to each other and to our daily functioning. Not to mention that half a century before that, Wilhelm Reich was already making the mind-body-emotions connection, followed up brilliantly by Alexander Lowen, and nevermind that various bodies of spiritually channeled material from Jane Roberts to Eva Broch-Pierrokas also spoke to the importance of emotions in creating the very fabric of our reality. But of course that's not "science."
Nonetheless, it's always gratifying when the 3D world, of which science and medicine lead the way, starts to catch up.
Welcome, Professor Davidson.
"It is hard to exaggerate what a break this is from the conventional wisdom in psychology and neuroscience," says Davidson.
Okay, yes, I'm LOL-ing as I write this.
New to who, Professor D?
Sixteen years ago, Daniel Goleman's book, "Emotional Intelligence," along with others like "Descarte's Error," by Antonio R. Damasio, and "Molecules of Emotion," by Candace Pert, were already shaking the shaky underpinnings of psychiatry and psychology regarding the relative importance of mind and emotions to each other and to our daily functioning. Not to mention that half a century before that, Wilhelm Reich was already making the mind-body-emotions connection, followed up brilliantly by Alexander Lowen, and nevermind that various bodies of spiritually channeled material from Jane Roberts to Eva Broch-Pierrokas also spoke to the importance of emotions in creating the very fabric of our reality. But of course that's not "science."
Nonetheless, it's always gratifying when the 3D world, of which science and medicine lead the way, starts to catch up.
Welcome, Professor Davidson.
TODAY'S QUOTE!
"Awareness of what I feel, no matter how undesirable it may be, will make me free. I will have the choice of my actions only to the degree of my awareness. If I choose to verbally express these feelings when there is a good purpose, such as with my helper, I will do so. If I feel that such expression may impair a relationship, I will not do so, but will withhold it knowingly and without self-deception."
Pathwork Guide Lecture #133
Pathwork Guide Lecture #133
TODAY'S LIFETIME QUOTE!
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
Paul McCartney
This last line of the last song written for the Beatles (by Paul) was also the last musical line sung (by Paul) at last night's Grammy Awards. What brought tears to my eyes in that moment was the realization that this particular soul made sure that in this lifetime he said to the world what he came here to say. There he was, over 4 decades later after first saying it:
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
What did you come here to say?
Paul McCartney
This last line of the last song written for the Beatles (by Paul) was also the last musical line sung (by Paul) at last night's Grammy Awards. What brought tears to my eyes in that moment was the realization that this particular soul made sure that in this lifetime he said to the world what he came here to say. There he was, over 4 decades later after first saying it:
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
What did you come here to say?
MORE ON "MIDDLE AGE IS A MYTH!"
THIS excerpt is from a piece entitled "Sex After 50: Surprising Findings About Sex in Midlife," in the Huffington Post:
"Post 50 singles want sex, and they want it often. Given that people over 50 are the biggest growing group in online dating and the most likely to use match-making sites, it's no surprise that sex is on their minds. In fact, a new survey by dating site OurTime.com found that 97 percent of midlifers consider regular sex important for their romantic relationships. And single post 50s aren't seeking sheet action every now and then -- 65 percent of those surveyed want it two to three times a week.
Of course, single boomers aren't the only ones getting down. In fact, this week on "The Today Show," Dr. Pepper Schwartz - AARP's sex and relationship ambassador - revealed that married people have the most sex. And guess who's loving sex more later in life? Women.
You go girls!
"Post 50 singles want sex, and they want it often. Given that people over 50 are the biggest growing group in online dating and the most likely to use match-making sites, it's no surprise that sex is on their minds. In fact, a new survey by dating site OurTime.com found that 97 percent of midlifers consider regular sex important for their romantic relationships. And single post 50s aren't seeking sheet action every now and then -- 65 percent of those surveyed want it two to three times a week.
Of course, single boomers aren't the only ones getting down. In fact, this week on "The Today Show," Dr. Pepper Schwartz - AARP's sex and relationship ambassador - revealed that married people have the most sex. And guess who's loving sex more later in life? Women.
You go girls!
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