REPOST: "THE CASE FOR SETTLING?!"

In a piece on THE DAILY BEAST, Liesl Schillinger challenges the pathetic premise of a new book by NPR commentator Lori Gottlieb, called: "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." Believe it or not, this book is actulally being made into a movie by Tobey Maguire.

Gottlieb, 42, writes that she wishes that back in her 20s or 30s she’d married one of the unexciting “scab-eating mouth breathers” whom she thinks she could have nabbed, rather than "squander her most nubile years on non-marriage-minded time wasters." She admits that, in her late 30s, when a married friend urged her to date "nice men," she thought her friend was kidding and couldn’t bring herself to heel. But half a decade on, furnished with a toddler (via donor sperm) and a U-Haul of regret, Gottlieb wishes she and others like her had taken her pragmatic friend’s advice and made finding a “solid, like-minded teammate in life” job-one from the outset. She writes, “I wish I’d entertained the possibility when the possibility still existed.”

This is one of the saddest wastes of paper since that other bestselling book by another woman author advising women to accept defeat in their love lives: "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU."

What gives?

Appropriately appalled by the mentally of Gottlieb is Schillinger:

"What of the misery of the sad, pathetic, partnered woman, stuck at home with a somnolent spouse or boyfriend who sits around watching TV and eating Chunky soup and won’t let her play her Netflix?"

Indeed!

When I was a kid, way before I ever considered that I might be advising people on their relationships when I grew up, I used to watch reruns of the "Honeymooners" with a morbid fascination. Here was a black and white depiction of a true living hell: a bloated, bellicose, egotistical, bus driver husband and a nagging, hands-on-her-hips (with apron and rolling pin) housewife - "the old ball and chain" - who were permanently glued together in co-dependent unfulfillment. I used to wonder if any woman could really be mollified in those circumstances simply by her dick of a husband barking: "Baby, you're the greatest!" after each of his latest narcissistic mishaps.

Well, I guess according to Lori Gottlieb, Ralph Kramden is better than nothing.

But is it really better to settle for a relationship without Eros than to not be in a relationship at all? And better for who? As one of the partners in such a relationship, you are dooming yourself to a permanent state of inner loneliness, which is the only true loneliness there is. Tom Hanks' character in "Castaway," alone on a deserted island for four years, was far better off than the wife he left behind (Helen Hunt), who settled for some square-jawed, paternalistic piece of meat with a checkbook for fear of being alone. Hanks, on the other hand, after his 4-year exile, goes off to meet the love of his life.

And as I've written many times on this blog, settling is certainly not better for the kids either. Children who grow up in divorced households, where at least one of the spouses has found gratification in love, fair far better in adulthood and in future relationships than kids who grew up in "intact" households without Eros between the spouses. It's a no-brainer. Ask any family therapist.

So, why do people do it? And why would a woman like Lori Gottlieb propose such resignation?

Because people who settle haven't done the necessary self-work to discover that we all create our own reality. No exceptions. We create our own reality. And those same settlers want to believe that resigning oneself to a life of half-baked, passionless cohabitation is the best that most people can aspire to in a relationship.

No way, folks. It's not true. Don't you believe it. There's no "bad luck" factor involved or time limit on being able to find true love, Eros and sex with a compatible partner. It's a matter of consciousness. Do what it takes to free yourself up mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and the outcome is a given. You choose, you don't settle. It's a win-win scenario, and it's never too late.