A spiritual writer and medium, Lawren Leo, asked me if I would submit a post on the subject of "soulmates" to his blog, "NEW MOON." 

Below is a piece I wrote a while ago on the Pursuit of Eros, modified and updated a bit, and sent to Lawren.

I can't count the number of people I've seen for couples counseling over the years. Struggles in relationships are among of the most frequent of reasons people seek out therapy. How one measures "success" in a course of therapy with a couple is a matter for debate in my profession, I suppose, but if the yardstick is whether or not the couple holds their relationship together no matter what, instead of splitting up, then I am an abject failure. I would have to guess that somewhere around 75 to 80 percent of the couples I see for therapy end up separating. One of my colleagues calls me "The Separator."

Indeed, when I first see a new couple in treatment, one of my first ground rules is that it must be understood that we are not engaging in a process to "save the relationship." I explain that we are going to use the arena of the relationship to increase the self awareness and understanding of each individual, and then, see where that leads. Interestingly enough, very few people are really thrown by that at first, because by the time a couple arrives to therapy, the relationship has gotten so congested with anger, pain and resentment that "saving it" is not really what they're desiring (even though they will need help admitting that).

But, what causes relationships to end? And how do you know if someone is indeed your "soulmate?

Well, taking the last question first, in the truest sense, everyone with whom you share a mutual attraction is a soulmate. Eros is the irresistible force the soul uses to bring people together to enact a soul agreement, usually made before birth, and which always has the purposes of creating an experience together that affords the opportunity for the soul to grow. In other words, anyone you find yourself in an intense relationship with is your soulmate. 

Now, that being said, a soulmate may not necessarily be the "love of your life." That grand prize, and it is a peak of human beingness, comes perhaps once in a lifetime, if at all, and is usually proceeded by some serious work on personal development, and perhaps a number of prior relationships.

So, back to why relationships end... 

First of all, let's not use the word "fail" here as meaning ending. Instead, let's  redefine it this way: a relationship is "failing" when either the Eros has died and the couple is refusing to admit it, or the flame of Eros is still alive and the partners are not doing what it takes to fan the flame so it can grow higher. 

These are two very different situations and a necessary part of self-work within a relationship is to clarify the problem.

In my favorite Pathwork Guide lecture - "The Forces of Love, Eros and Sex" - the Guide, channeled through Eva Broch, says this:

"Eros lifts the soul out of sluggishness, out of mere contentment and vegetation. It causes the soul to surge, to go out of itself. When this force comes upon even the most undeveloped people they become able to surpass themselves. Eros gives the soul a foretaste of unity and teaches the fearful psyche the longing for it. The more strongly one has experienced Eros, the less contentment will the soul find in the pseudo-security of separateness. How then is Eros different from love? Love is a permanent state in the soul. Love does not come and go at random; Eros does. Eros hits with sudden force, often taking a person unaware and even making them unwilling to go through the experience."

Yes. Many of us have had a taste of that, some of us more than a few times. The Guide calls it "Eros," most of us refer to it as being "in love." I often refer to it as the "Free Sample" from the Universe, one that gives us a taste of how truly great existence can be in physical form. But if as the Guide says, Eros can "come and go," then how can we get to "keep it" in the context of one relationship?

Well, the first part of the answer to that is kind of Zen, like Sting's lyric: "If you love someone, set them free."

Mark Epstein, my favorite Buddhist psychotherapist, in his fantastic book, "GOING TO PIECES WITHOUT FALLING APART," says it this way:

"Clinging is as much of a problem in lovemaking as in the rest of life. In order for sexual relations to be deeply satisfying, there must be a yielding of this clinging in a manner that actually affirms the unknowability and separateness of the loved partner. It is the peculiar convergence of awe and appreciation with pleasure and release that characterizes the best sexual experiences. Separate and together cease to be mutually exclusive and instead become reciprocally enhancing and mutually informative. There is wisdom in this state, not just raw instinct."

So, Part One of how to keep Eros, like anything else you want to "keep," is to let it go. (I know. I know. Keep trying to wrap your head around it. It will come to you.)

Part Two is to try and penetrate that "unknowability" that Epstein refers to, and simultaneously allow your own hidden self to be penetrated, even though you will never be completely successful.

Here's the Guide again:

"Eros strengthens the curiosity to know the other being. As long as there is something new to find in the other soul and as long as you reveal yourself, Eros will live. The moment you believe you have found all there is to find, and have revealed all there is to reveal, Eros will leave. It is as simple as that with Eros. But where your great error comes in is that you believe there is a limit to the revealing of any soul, yours or another's. When a certain point of usually quite superficial revelation is reached, you are under the impression that this is all there is, and you settle down to a placid life without further searching."

Okay, to summarize - the way to keep Eros alive is to first, not cling or grip onto it, or onto the person who is the object of your desire, and second, to simultaneously seek to know that person at greater and greater depths while revealing yourself in the same way. Now, let's be honest - this is rarely done but most relationsihps, mainly because it requires very intensive and persistent self-examination and staying connected to the full range of feelings, including pain and sadness. Many more couples would rather either settle into a "comfortable" relationship without any passion, or have serial experiences with a lot of partners to get that initial rush when Eros provides its universal Free Sample.

However, on those rare occasions when the "whatever-it-takes" effort is made, the result is a soaring, sublime experience of the depths of love and pleasure and soulfulness that is nothing less than the first and main reason we all became human. And know this, if you achieve such a state at any point in your lifetime, you won't care when it is or how old you are. You won't look back and regret that you didn't find such joy when you were younger. You'll be way too busy being happy and satisfied for regrets.

Now, can it all still end, even if you make all of the above efforts? Well, again the answer is a Zen "yes" and "no." Again, human beings come together for a particular soul purpose, to accomplish something together - like bringing a child into the world, or to work on a developmental task - like overcoming one's repetition compulsions from childhood up to a point. In such a case, the Eros that may have brought said couple together will come to the natural end of its lifespan between those two people. They will fall out of love. Not coincidentally, in such a situation, the couple will lose their motivation to continue the intensive, in-depth revelation process with their mate. So, couples counseling also comes to an end.

Which brings us to another subject for another day - how to end things. So much is damaged and lost during endings because we're so "bad" at them, and fear them so much, when in fact, a healthy ending can be the very crowning glory of a relationship when all of the love that was there and all that was accomplished can be integrated and made permanent in the psyche.

But again, that's a talk for another day.


"Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end."
Sonny (in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel)


HERE is a link to some posts I've put up on birthday's over recent years


Okay. Last time, in my FPL post - "HOW'S YOUR 5D EXPERIENCE GOING?" - I elaborated on the first "new rule" for 5D: "Murphy's Law is Officially reversed!" Today, I will speak more about new rule Number Two:

"Creating Your Reality From Your Ego and Emotions Is Obsolete!"

That's right. In 3D, if your ego deemed an event to be "good" (for its inflation), you experienced an emotional high and a feeling of victorious elevation in your personality; if the ego felt defeated, threatened or even just disappointed, you experienced melancholy, depression and feelings of failure or worthlessness in your personality self. If you even just worried in advance about possible future failure or disappointment, you could experience a case of the blues, or succumb to obsessive rumination. Conversely, if you fantasize in a desperate, wishful-thinking kind of way of an outcome where you come out on top, you might experience a hyper, adrenaline-fueled, idealized picture of your possible future, which could lead to an uncomfortable level of high anxiety as well, as that picture becomes the yard stick by which you are measuring yourself. In either case, those emotional states, high or low, would charge up your emotional body and your energy field, creating negative effects in your reality, whether you were the winner or loser in the dualistic game.

In 5D, you are creating your reality from the vibrations of your Higher Self, supported by and in collaboration with the human and universal collective. This is the 5D way of living. 

In 5th Dimensional consciousness, because you are aware that you are connected to everyone and to All That Is, and aware that when you are creating your reality it is the energy of All That Is and your Higher Self channeling through you, you are egoless, and therefore, not prone to excessive emotionality. You are in, as it is aptly called, "The Zone." In The Zone, there are no judgments, no excessive surges of adrenaline or anxiety. Dualism falls away. Antiquated notions like winning and losing, success or failure, give way to just experiencing your creations in the moment with fascination, excitement and harmony.

In 3D, when you create or achieve something, the inner and outer statements sound like this: 

"Look what I did! Look what I made! Aren't I wonderful?!" (Or... "Aren't I the biggest loser?!"

In 5D, the response to the creation experience is expressed more like this: 

"Look what came through me. Hmm." 

That "Hmm," by the way, is a tell-tale sign of 5th Dimensional consciousness. It expresses curiosity, interest, even fascination and delight, but there is no ego-investment or involvement.

So, I've been asked often lately: "How do I get to 5D, PL? What do I have to do?"

Well, as I said in the original 2013 FPL post - "IT'S 2013! WHICH EARTH ARE YOU ON?!" - if you're reading this, you're in 5D already. Yep. You made it! 

But... you may still be operating according to 3D rules, which puts you out of alignment with your actual vibrational reality and out of alignment with the collective reality you've chosen to participate in. So, your self-work now has to include not just clearing your emotional body of the effects of your old 3D beliefs and your ideas of your past, but most importantly, your self-work now must include practicing - regularly - the 5D principles for creating reality and the new rules of existence. Until these become fully integrated in your daily life and you achieve a comfortable clarity with the new reality, you will need to focus and invoke 5D consciousness... consciously. Clear yourself of extraneous thoughts and exaggerated feelings, breath deeply and simply say this: 

"I now shift to a line of reality where..."

You can do it... if you choose to.

More to come...


Back in the 1990's, when I first heard a patient say that he was diagnosed by a doctor with "Restless Leg Syndrome," I thought it was a joke. No. It turned out "RLS" was one of several new diagnoses de jour, and of course, there was drug for that!

But "Foot Orgasm Syndrome?" Come on, Doc! FOS??

Here's an excerpt from the report:

"A 55-year-old woman in the Netherlands visited the doctor with an unusual complaint: She experienced unwanted orgasms that started in her foot, according to a report of her case. The orgasmic sensations - which occurred in her left foot -- were sudden, not brought on by sexual desire or thoughts, and occurred about five to six times a day, the report said. The sensation traveled up her left leg to her vagina, and she said the experience felt exactly like an orgasm achieved during sex. 'These orgasms were very embarrassing and worrying to the woman,' said study author Dr. Marcel D. Waldinger, who treated the woman and is a neuropsychiatrist and professor in sexual psychopharmacology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands. 'She felt terrible about it,' Waldinger said."

So, what did the good doctor do to "treat" the lucky, I mean poor woman? He injected her with a drug, an anesthetic, shot into one of her spinal nerves - the nerve that receives sensory information from the foot - and the orgasms stopped completely. Whew! The woman has not had any foot orgasms for eight months now, although, according to Waldinger, "She might need to return for another anesthetic injection if her symptoms return."

Of course. The report went on to say that researchers on the case believe the phenomenon was the result of a sort of mix-up in the brain.
Well, you certainly got that right, fellas. Somebody's brain is very mixed up here. Yours!

First of all, why are male doctors always so concerned about women having "too much" sexual pleasure? (See my FPL posts HERE on doctors debunking the existence of the G-spot) 

And secondly, why isn't anyone considering that this is an evolutionary advance in the human species? 

It is said in many spiritual teachings that the closest thing human beings can experience to pure spiritual existence is an orgasm. And one that can go along with a good foot rub? Are you kidding?! When I told my partner about this story, her response was "Let's figure out how to do that!"



Just watched "Field of Dreams" for the umpteenth time last night. Watching this film with Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones and Amy Madigan is a meditation for me, reminding me of the "magic" that infuses life when you allow it to.

"Build it and he will come," and its variant later in the film - "People will come, Ray" - is the underlying message of Field of Dreams. What does it mean for day-to-day creating of your life? Align with what you desire, follow the voice of your Higher Self, and you will find manifested exactly what you need to experience.

See this movie, even if you're not a baseball fan. Baseball is simply the metaphor that delivers the message, albeit a perfectly delivered one. And if you are a baseball fan, with all the current insincere mud-and-money-slinging swirling around the major leagues lately, this will refresh your love of the game.

Enjoy this classic scene.


"Guilt is what will always perpetuate limitation, always perpetuate separation; it keeps you from recognizing your own self-empowerment and your own connection To the Infinite Creation. For recognize that, fundamentally speaking, while many of you for a long period of time have assumed that hate is the opposite of love, guilt is the true opposite of love. Hate may be the diametric, dynamic polarity expression of love, but guilt is the true mechanical opposite. For love is complete and utter self-worthiness and creativity, while guilt is the belief in lack of self-worth; it stifles creativity. Hate involves the concept that you deserve something, whereas guilt is completely devoid of the sense of deservability. In fact, guilt is the denial of your very existence!"


"Good morning, everyone. This is your captain speaking. We will be cruising at an altitude of thirty-five thousand feet and a speed of approximately five hundred miles per hour. There may be occasional turbulence, but nothing to worry about. Enjoy the ride."

Sound familiar? If you've taken trips by airplane, you know the drill, and you've had the experience of traveling at that height and speed without really having the sensation of much movement, even at such a velocity. In fact, the take-off from the runway, at a speed of merely 150 miles per hour, always seems a lot faster, right?

Well, that is a perfect metaphor for your personal process so far in 2013. From early November ('round about Hurricane Sandy time), through the winter solstice (12/21/12) and into the New Year, many of you were in "take-off" mode, where the changes and challenges were coming fast and furious, and there definitely was some turbulence. Loss was a big part of that. Loss of lovers, friends or family members, loss of jobs, loss of home environments or possessions, and most significantly, loss of identity.

This latter loss was not due to identity theft, though. It was voluntary, the result of an intense period of self-work, a process of dismantling the structures of the ego that had long been identified with. The roles we played, the masks we wore, our attachments to people, places and things, all fell to the wayside as we progressed through our inner journey. (My favorite Buddhist psychotherapist and writer, Mark Epstein made the point that the true goal of therapy isn't to find oneself, but to lose one's self. From one of Epstein's books: "Wisdom and happiness are to be found only by emptying one's cup of opinions and preconceptions. A mind that is full cannot take in anything new.")

In therapy sessions in early 2013 (and more people came to me for therapy in these last 6 months than ever before during such a period in my entire 30 years of practice), many patients reported feeling "lost," without direction, not knowing "who they were." Yet, as I wrote about in my piece, "FALSE CLARITY TO GENUINE CONFUSION TO GENUINE CLARITY," these same "confused" individuals also reported feeling more grounded, alive and connected to their feelings and inner life. None said that they would rather go back to where they were before the "storm." And indeed, I encouraged my patients to allow themselves to become "empty vessels," and to tap into their inner knowing that could reassure them that they were never abandoned by the Universe, by their Higher Selves, by All That Is. My advice, like the airline pilot, often boiled down to saying, "Relax. Enjoy the ride. You're moving a lot faster than you think." (Well, I added in that last part!)

Which brings us to the second half... of 2013 that is. Last month, July, first month of the second half, and already I'm hearing reports of accelerations and big shifts manifesting. Oh, you thought you were going to simply remain cruising? Ha! Well, actually you are, but you will become aware of the reality that you haven't been remaining still, sitting in your window seat on this plane; you've been shifting proufoundly - internally, just not acutely noticing it. Yet.

Some of you may have noticed changes in your physical body, in your eating, sleeping and dreaming patterns, even in your memory (and that includes young people as well as older people, so it's not the "aging process" we're talking about here). These changes were preparations, the emptying, making room for the outer changes taking place and to come in the second half of 2013... and beyond. 

There will be a "landing" experience, so to speak, and an arrival to a very new "country," with new landscapes to observe, new languages to learn, and new people to meet, and the landing process will feel like an acceleration, as the take-off did. In the rhythm of expansion, contraction, rest, this will be an expansion. But unlike any that you have experienced before, in this expansion, you will be a much more conscious creator of your experiences. And as I wrote about in my post at the beginning of this year - "IT'S 2013. WHICH EARTH ARE YOU ON?" - you will be creating not from your ego and emotions, but from your Higher Self and from the collective consciousness, which at first will not feel like "creating."

So, time to fasten your seat belts again, folks!

More to come. 


"You each have things in your life...engagements with others that you have brokered on a higher level. Some of these have been in business, some of them have been in love, and some have been the most painful experiences that you have undertaken. If you can understand, first of all, that when you come here, you come here to learn,  you can quite simply begin to understand that as you move through this life, you will have recurrent patterns and relationships that are provocative and are meant to move you out of your comfort zone and into a new level of awareness. The heart that has been broken can be healed, and the one that you would blame for the heartbreak has, in fact, been your teacher in love."
Paul Selig (from "The Book of Love and Creation")

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