WHY ARE YOU STILL STRUGGLING?! - UPDATED!

Are you still having money problems? Relationship difficulties? Conflicts in your work-life? Blocks in your creative expression? Health issues? Anger? Depression? Anxiety? Or do you know people - friends, family members, colleagues - who are still in the grip of chronic suffering?

If you've been following the FPL posts on 5D,  you may be wondering why it seems that Murphy's Law ("Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.") seems to still be in effect in your life, or in the lives of your significant others, when, in fact, as I have written, Murphy's Law has been reversed ("Everything that can go right, will go right, if you let it.").

Well, here's an explanation.

What has been referred to here on FPL, and in many other metaphysical, spiritual and conscious teachings, as "5D" (5th Dimensional Consciousness or Vibration) is not simply an idea or a perspective. For all intents and purposes, 5D is more like a placeSpecifically, 5D is a dimension, which, like all dimensions, has its own set of rules and operating systems. 

At the beginning of 2013, I outlined what those rules were in my post: "IT'S 2013! WHICH EARTH ARE YOU ON?!" 

The rules are: 

1. Murphy's Law is officially reversed. 
2. Creating your reality from your emotions and your ego is obsolete. 
3. Time isn't really real. 
4. The past is no longer prologue.  

For more detail about these new rules, go HERE.

In addition, in a related recent post, "THE POWER OF DOING NOTHING...POWERFULLY!", I outlined the new steps for creating your preferred reality:


Clear - Intend - Let go - Follow-up.

Clear your consciousness of the remnants of 3D, egoic thinking and beliefs and suppressed feelings in the body;
Intend for yourself in your meditations whatever it is you truly desire, and imagine it happening;
Let go by employing the energy of allowing and receiving, without expectations or fear;
Follow-up with action when your Higher Self and the Universe give you signs and create opportunities for you.

Read more on this process HERE.


So, why are you still struggling? 

Because you may still be trying to follow the old, 3D rules - dualism, linear time and limitation - in a dimension where those rules don't apply. And furthermore, those old rules were within the purview of the ego, but in 5D, the ego holds no authority.

The ego, using the intellect, seeks to control our experience of reality by manipulating our emotions and focusing our thoughts on the past and future, causing regret and resentment, worry and anxiety. Thus, the ego creates a reality for us that seems to be full of obstacles, conflicts, judgments, limitations and adversaries. What fun! Well, actually, it was... for a while... because that was the old 3D game. To seek victory in the face of defeat, to fight against the odds, which were, of course, stacked against us, to earn our worth through actions, deeds, sacrifices, etc., fearing all along that we could fail and become unworthy once again. 

Whew! 

Yes, in 3D, where strict limitations were in full force and time was rigidly linear, the ego's game was fully supported and could be played fully. But we are not in 3D anymore. You are not in 3D anymore.

In 5D, now, which is where you are if you're reading this, the game goes more like this: anything's possible and the sky's the limit. 

To repeat: Anything's possible and the sky's the limit.

So, instead of win or lose, succeed or fail, etc., etc., it's just... create, create, create! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Be, be, be! And everything is what you say it is all the time.

Folks, if you are still battling with yourself or others... stop! The war is over. The old game is over. You are fully supported in your desire to have love, health, prosperity and fun. I promise you, it will be exciting. You won't miss the fight.

And your ego will ultimately be glad to be out of its old, exhausting job, and into retirement. Really. I promise.  

TODAY'S "BOREDOM" QUOTE!

"We would like to start encouraging you to work more with the idea of 5-D creation, which simply involves alignment of frequency. You are that thing you wish to create. You are already that which you seek to become. You need only remove these filters, these false perceptions, these judgments that you have concerning who you think you are and the stories that you are telling yourself. We see many of you are pushing energetically to get to the other side, to that 5-D level, and it is absolutely vital that you let go of that push to get there. The underlying need is almost always fear based. You are holding judgment about where you are and your current reality. As we always tell you, you have to accept where you are to change where you are. The desire to run from your current situation will always call more of that frequency to you. Anytime you are thinking about the future or the past, you are siphoning off energy."

"If you are bored, you are not in the Now."


REPOST: ASCENSION IS NOT A DISORDER!

The subject of this article is of major importance, folks. Entitled "Attention Deficit Disorder And Ascension," by Gregg Prescott, M.S., editor of In5D.com, the piece takes a look at an epidemic that has afflicted the 3rd Wave generation on Planet Earth, gifted young people who have come in already prepared for the ascension to 5D consciousness, ready both energetically and genetically to live in the world we've all just shifted to in the last 2 years. 

These advanced souls, unlike the majority of us in the 1st and 2nd Waves, are not going through the same level of clearing "symptoms of the ascension," because they were not wired to function on the principles of the old 3D operating system. But the archaic medical and educational systems, in many quarters, still do operate from that old place of extreme density, and so these young people have had to endure the attempts by the old guard to put them back in the old box. 

Nonetheless, since this is 5D, and the raise in consciousness and vibration is not negotiable, these old paradigms will fall by the wayside. Consider that just last year, the so-called "Father of ADHD," Leon Eisenberg, the psychiatrist who came up with the diagnosis, admitted on his death bed that the diagnosis was fictitious.

THIS is from the news article on Natural News.com about 
Eisenberg's confession:
"On his death bed, this psychiatrist and autism pioneer, Dr. Leon Eisenberg, admitted that ADHD is essentially a 'fictitious disease,' which means that millions of young children today are being needlessly prescribed severe mind-altering drugs that will set them up for a life of drug addiction and failure." 

The good news is that these 3rd Wave individuals have the inner guidance, innate wisdom and fortitude to seek out the assistance of older human beings who have awakened, and are there to tell them that there's nothing "wrong" with them. In fact, quite the opposite.

These young people are shining stars, and they are the future of our planet. Listen again to this nine year old sharing wisdom worthy of any guru or yogi. 

And please, empty your medicine cabinet!

ARE YOU THE CRAZY VERSION OF YOURSELF SOMEONE ASKED YOU TO BE?!

"Everyone in your life is a version of themselves that you've created."

Thus says "Bashar," channeled by Darryl Anka. (That quote from THIS CLIP.)

This is similar in its import to a quote from Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, the practitioner of the Hawaiian healing art, Ho'oponopono, on how he healed people without interacting with them at all physically:

"I was simply healing the part of me that created them."

These two quote express, in a more expanded way, the Universal Truth put forth often on this blog that we create our reality from our beliefs.

Bashar and Dr. Len are basically saying that not just the events and material things in your life are your creation, but so, too, the very people you encounter and interact with in your life are your creation. That's some serious creating!

Now, understand, the individuals you create in your life are also independent beings in and of themselves, continually creating versions of themselves - and of you - to have their experiences through and with. "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." (Thank you, John!)

In other words, since we are truly all one, meaning not just connected, but ultimately and literally one unified being manifesting Itself in an infinite variety of seemingly separate selves, then if I want to create a version of you to have a particular experience with, you will co-create that version with me, even as I will do the same for you, as me. See?

So, the key practical question here is if there are people in your life you experience to be threatening, annoying, unpleasant to interact with and/or downright crazy, why are you creating that version of them to interact with? Why are you asking the person in question to create of version of him-or-herself that will be a problem for you?

This question is quite worth the time and effort to explore, because as long as you continue to feel victimized by the random, hostile, thwarting behavior of others, you will be unable to change your reality with said persons. Once you realize that you are creating the negative version of the person in question harassing you, you can uncreate that version. That might mean that the person changes their persona in your life, or more commonly, the person will exit your life stage left.

Remember Shakespeare?

"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."

Well, thank you for being the antagonist in my play, but I'm writing out that role forthwith.

Likewise, if you find that a dysfunctional role you are playing in someone else's life no longer suits you, you can decide to leave that play for a better role, and indeed the other person will gladly replace you with someone else willing to be cast as the martyr, enabler, or narcissistic source of supply for their narcissistic lead character.

So, cast and crew members, take a look at the roles you are writing for yourself and the actors in your drama, and if you're not enjoying yourself fully, do a rewrite!

TODAY'S SHERLOCK HOLMES QUOTE!

"When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Or as I like to put it to people when they're trying to understand why something is happening in the present: simply follow the sequence of events. And especially in this time of ascension of consciousness from separation to oneness, greater good will very often follow from what seems to be awfully bad.


OPEN MARRIAGE... OR OPEN MARRIAGE?

Here's an old one I haven't reposted for quite some time, but it is growing in its relevance as more and more adults are coming to eschew the shackles of tradition and obligatory behavior in relationships. Fewer people are getting married these days, and when they do, it is at a later age. Fewer are having children, as well, and again, when they do, it is at a later age. "Polyamory" and "open marriage" are becoming more prevalent in our culture today, as well.

This is definite progress in the self-actualization movement of our species. In my decades of psychotherapy practice, I have witnessed firsthand the overwhelming statistical reality that young adults with kids rarely commit to their own self-actualization, don't even consider therapy, at least not until they're in their forties and they're looking around and saying: "How the f**k did I end up here?!" Children are an astoundingly all-encompassing, two-decade distraction from one's inner life and self-work.

A while back, I offered my comments on whether or not having an affair was potentially "good" for a marriage. I was responding to an article that was in the NY Times on the subject called, "An Odd Turn of Affairs."

On the Huffington Post there was also an article on the same subject, taken from Tango Magazine, entitled: "Portrait of an Open Marriage," by Jenny Block. The piece has this caption under the title: "Jenny Block reveals an unconventional marriage arrangement that worked."

So, I took a look, because I believe that openness is the key to a good relationship, along with the two partners being genuinely in love with each other, of course.

Here are some samples of what I found in Jenny's piece, interspersed with my interjections and conclusions. Check it out and offer your own comments.

"When my husband and I first started dating, it was obvious even then that our drives were quite different. As much as he enjoyed sex, he didn’t need or want it as often as I did. But I fell so madly in love with him, I figured it didn’t matter. We had an adequate sex life, probably pretty darn good by some standards. Still, there were always things I wanted that I simply couldn’t get from him."

After having an affair that ended with a lot of bad feelings all around, Jennie and a girlfriend of hers talked and decided to try another approach.

"My husband and I had a six-month affair with my close friend. The three of us had sex. He and she had sex. She and I had sex. And, of course, he and I continued to have sex, just the two of us. The arrangement eventually faded out, and we all slipped back into our previous relationships. But my marriage was forever changed. Our experience with her was the catalyst that led us to explore open marriage."

Okay. And how exactly is "open marriage" actually defined and lived out for Jennie and her husband?

"Being secretive, lying, or sneaking around—those would be surefire ways to destroy our marriage. But the extramarital sex itself is not a threat."

I'm with you there, Jenny. Dishonesty is the real killer of all relationships, especially in the form of self-deception.

Jenny goes on to reveal that her husband had decided to be "open" to Jenny having extramarital sex, even though he wasn't interested in partaking himself anymore after the threesome experience. That's pretty open, right?

"My husband hasn’t pursued anyone since my friend. He says he’s too shy to pick up girls, and, really, he doesn’t feel the need. I can sometimes tell that the fact that I do hurts him."

What is Jenny's basic motivation in this situation? Well, her husband's not as into sex as she is and...

"I think of it as the 'playpen effect': You keep a kid locked up in one of those things and all she thinks about is how to get out, how much she’ll love what’s in the other room. But let her roam free and check it all out, and odds are she’ll end up at your feet."

So, now, let's see, Jenny's the kid in the playpen and her husband is who? The parent who can either keep her penned in or set her free? Uh-oh. Time for some rationalizations.

"Lots of people are basically in open marriages: They have illicit affairs. My husband and I simply decided we were ready to be honest, with ourselves and with each other, about what we want and need."

Well, here's the thing, Jenny - honesty, and open marriage, like open anything, should really mean, first and foremost, open to the kind of truth that can only come with real self awareness. Unfortunately, the concept of "open marriage" has been co-opted to merely mean having sex with more than one partner when you're married. Two people can be having sex outside of their marriage, even with the other's knowledge, and not be in a relationship that could realistically be called "open," certainly not if they're unable to be fully honest with themselves or each other.

As in, "don't ask, don't tell?"

"If I’m with another woman, he wants every gory detail. But when I’m with another man, sometimes he’d prefer not to know it happened at all."

Next, Jenny asks herself the excellent and obvious question, and then, gives the telling answer.

"Why am I married, then? Many people have asked me that question. So I’ll tell you exactly what I tell them. As hot as it makes me when a new conquest whispers something scandalous in my ear, nothing thrills me like the sound of my husband’s voice when I hear him say, “Hey, baby, I’m home.”

Hmm... There is a word for that - codependence!

One partner plays the role of the permission-giving parent to the other partner, who acts out the suppressed, vicarious fantasies for said parental partner, and even though the mutual levels of Eros and sex aren't experienced at a self-actualized adult level "At least we love each other, right honey?"

Well, look, by now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm neither a prude, nor a conventionalist, and I have no moral judgement whatsoever about extramarital sex. Most things by themselves are neither good nor bad, marriage and/or extramarital sex included. It's the intentions behind most actions that determine their positive or negative effects.

So, is there a situation in which partners in a marriage could have sex with someone outside of their marriage that would be a functional action of that marriage?

Yes. Of course.

But it would be quite rare in our culture and here's why: You'd have to be talking about two people who are so in love, so hot for each other sexually, so honest with themselves and each other and clear about their intentions that introducing another person into the mix could actually be a spontaneous, creative expression of that high level of Eros in any given moment. It would not be coming out of sexual incompatibility or dissatisfaction with one's partner, nor would it be coming out of boredom in the relationship. It would instead be almost like an overflow of the passion and playfulness in the sex-life of two lovers. And finally, it would mean that both partners experience themselves as adults, not as kids wanting to escape the playpen!

Open marriage? Sure. But how about open everything else, too?

THE PRIMAL SEXUAL IMPERATIVES OF THE CHARACTER STRUCTURES

Character structures are sets of defenses that we create in early childhood that affect us deeply for much of our lives. Every aspect of a person's physical/personality self is affected by character structure - mind, body and emotions. We create them to survive the slings and arrows of our imperfect childhoods with imperfect parents, but like the cocoon of a caterpillar, when we are ready to become self-actualized adults, we must shed them, "break through" our character structures. Not easy. It requires help. But there's no end run around it. The good news is that underneath it all is a Higher Self with great capacities and gifts to give to life.

This new delineation of what I'm calling the "primal sexual imperatives" of the character structures is meant to serve as an addendum to the full descriptions of the character structures found HERE on the Full Permission Living blog, taken from the 5 classes I teach on the subject.

Each character structure has a set of embedded directives meant to divert, distort or inhibit our powerful natural urges for self-expression, in order to keep the ego in control of our thoughts, feelings and actions. What follows, then, are what the ego, unable to eliminate sexual urges and desires altogether, though it would if it could, seeks to manipulate and use sex for.

Schizoid Character Structure: Sex for Control

To the schizoid ego, the free flow of energy through the body, is a major perceived threat, an existential threat. "Life is hazardous to my life" is a core negative belief held by the person with this structure. Literally fearing disintegration and annihilation of the self if the life force isn't controlled and/or cut-off, this person co-opts sexual energy and uses any participation in sexual acts for the purpose of controlling that energy and ultimately the body itself.

Oral Character Structure: Sex for Nurturance

Although the person with this character structure isn't terrified of or cut-off from the life force and sexual energy within them, they are undercharged energetically as a result of living through an early history of deprivation or enmeshment with the primary caretaker of early childhood, and so, they live in an inner world of lack, deprivation and need. "There isn't enough" is the core negative belief adhered to here, and the sex act is seen as a possible way to get "filled up," nurtured, unconditionally loved. Orgasms are not highly charged, and secondary to the wish to be taken care of, which is the main purpose of sex for the oral character.


Masochistic Character Structure: Sex for Release

Charged with plenty of energy, including sexually, but judging and suppressing it and "packing it in" the muscles of the body, this CS desperately seeks release through sex, often compulsively so. "If I let my feelings out, I'll will create a big mess, but if I don't, I'll explode!" Says the masochistic ego, supporting the claim with another 
core negative primal belief in one's own "badness." Battling with the need for release versus the efforts to suppress it, orgasms, just like bowel movements, are pushed out with force against the clenched muscles.

Psychopathic Character Structure: Sex for Power

While the schizoid CS seeks control of its own body and energy, the psychopathic CS seeks to exert power over others. Lacking the capacity for basic trust and true empathy, the person with this CS believes others are always seeking the upper hand through lies and manipulation, so one can truly be trusted. Thus, the core negative primal belief goes something like this: "I must always be right, must never submit or surrender to the will of others, must dominate and seduce others to control them, by any means necessary." A true chameleon, a psychopathic character will appear to be whoever and whatever you wish, including a 
sexually skilled, tireless, attentive lover. In fact, this CS allows for very little genuine physical pleasure, due to the defense mechanism of numbing, so in spite of dramatic displays to the contrary, sex is a bleak experience to the person with this CS.

Rigid Character Structure: Sex for Validation


Considered the only "genital" character of the five major character structures, this person is bioenergetically fully functioning sexually. Orgasm and sexual pleasure are fully charged and accessible in the body, flowing freely, but... there is a caveat - the pleasurable experience is laced with an ego need for validation. The need to be seen as beautiful, talented, smart, fit, young, etc., the list goes on, along with the defining of every situation as a performance, all of that is funneled into sexual interactions with others who must also serve to validate the rigid CS by their high levels of performance and admired attributes. The the core negative primal belief: "I must always look good, appear together and be highly valued and praised for my accomplishments by significant others, who must also look good, appear together and be highly valued and praised for their accomplishments."

GET RID OF YOUR STUFF... QUICK!

Okay, here's a bit of sock-'em-in-the-gut news that came in on the psychic airwaves during a very powerful channeling session.

You have read on this blog many times that you create your own reality. Some may still not understand that this statement is meant literally, not figuratively, but even physicists these days can readily tell you that it is consciousness that directs the energy which gives form to matter. (For an even more "scientific" understanding of this process read Jane Roberts channeling "Seth" in the mind-expanding book, "The Nature of Personal Reality").

Furthermore, said reality is not created in a static way, like "There, I created a chair and it's done." No. That chair is being created continuously by you, as long as you choose to experience having it. In other words, all that surrounds you is being created by you constantly, moment to infinitesimal moment, to the degree that you are aware of "having" your creations around you. And guess what?

That takes energy!

And plenty of it. Yep. So, here's the shocker delivered yesterday about you and your stuff - Get ready hoarders! - When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you do, before the bathroom, before coffee, every morning, is recreate all your stuff!

That's right. All that you're used to having around you, all that you expect to be there, has to be created as soon as you awaken from your vacation in the spirit world known as sleep. And that is another reason why you're so exhausted. Those clothes you never wear, but keep in your closet just in case, the books and magazines you never read, but think you might one day, old tacky jewelry, trinkets and trash alike, all of it. Even that chair you never sit in. All of it has to be created by your consciousness... until you decide, literally, to let go of it. That's one of the reasons vacations are so relaxing, because we go to a new environment and leave most of our stuff behind, so our consciousness can be freer to experience the now without the clutter.

So, look around you, folks. Everything you see is the result of an expenditure of your creative energy. If you're too tired to finish that screenplay, or to start that book, or to try that new recipe, or to just create more abundance or love in your life, maybe there's some old shoes you can give away.

Really.



REALLY!


Go HERE to hear the oldie but goodie by Loffredo/Saperstein on this subject.

THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING, PART SEVEN: THERE IS NO "ORIGINAL SIN!"

As with all the other Truths About Everything, truly understanding the implications of this one changes things significantly. The idea of "original sin" is a novelty concept of the Catholic Church, an organization that also specializes in sinning, though not very originally or coincidentally. It usually follows that the more you seek to suppress something, the more driven you are to act out the very thing you are suppressing. Of course, the belief in some kind of inherent "sinfulness" in human nature is certainly not limited to Catholics.

Even psychology-minded critics of religion like Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, believed that human beings were "bad" by nature, that is born with inclinations to be aggressive, competitive and selfish, and that these tendencies would plague us all of our lives. In his book, "Civilization and its Discontents," Freud lays out what he believed to be the unavoidable conflict between our primitive desires and impulses, and the need to behave in a socially conscious and cooperative way for the good of society, a conflict which ultimately leaves us... well... discontented.

The truth is, however, that the Church and Freud are wrong. There I said it. Blasphemy, eh? Okay, so let me qualify a little...

It is true that human children are basically savages for the first 5 years of their little lives. By civilized standards, little kids are greedy, sadistic, violent, narcissistic, impulse ridden, ruthless, and pretty much incapable of true empathy. It isn't until around age 6 or 7, when most children start desiring to have a pet to care for, that kids begin developing some small amount of empathy. However, because little children are... well... little, they can't do a great deal of harm to society, so they are given a fair amount of leeway by adults going about the business of socializing and civilizing the little Neanderthals.

Furthermore, it is certainly true that adult human beings as a whole have a history of violence and destructive acting out on a massive scale. No other species so wantonly attacks and kills their own like we do. And we don't just kill when we feel our survival is threatened. We kill out of pride, lust, envy, over differences in philosophies, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientation and skin color. Whew!

So, didn't I just validate the Church and Freud? Human beings from the get-go seem to be pretty... bad! Yes. But... no. You see, we've have made things a lot worse by believing in our own badness, by even developing such a concept. 

Linear human evolution, as we think of it, began at a very animalistic level, yes, where violence, as such, was for survival purposes as it is with most animals in nature in this particular line of reality. However, homo sapiens became capable of developing intellects and egos, which allowed us to reflect on our behavior, a potentially positive things, but along with the capacity for reflection came capacities for judgment, shame and guilt (specialties of the Church, btw), and along with judgment, shame and guilt came emotional and psychological disturbances and distortions, which caused our personal and social evolution to become somewhat derailed.

Here's famed psychoanalyst, Karen Horney:

"Inherent in man are evolutionary constructive forces, which urge him to realize his given potentialities, that man by his very nature and of his own accord, strives toward self-realization, and that his values evolve from such striving. With such a belief in an autonomous striving toward self-realization, we do not need an inner straight jacket with which to shackle our spontaneity, nor the whip of inner dictates to drive us to perfection. There is no doubt that such disciplinary methods can succeed in suppressing undesirable factors, but there is also no doubt that they are injurious to our growth. We do not need them because we see a better possibility of dealing with destructive forces in ourselves: that of actually outgrowing them. The way toward this goal is an ever increasing awareness and understanding of ourselves. Self-knowledge, then, is not an aim in itself, but a means of liberating the forces of spontaneous growth. In this sense, to work at ourselves becomes not only the prime moral obligation, but at the same time, in a very real sense, the prime moral privilege."

If you're a reader of the FPL blog, you probably seen that quote before because it's one of my favorites. What Horney is saying here is that if the "whip of inner dictates" - i.e. - judgment, shame and guilt - were not in play in our psyches, we would naturally outgrow our primitive impulses. Again, it is our belief in our own badness that causes us to act badly. In other words, our actual original sin is believing in original sin.

Here's a quote from the home page of Full Permission Living:

"Full Permission Living is the based on the understanding that human beings are, by first nature, sane, loving, cooperative, creative, humorous, intelligent, productive and naturally self-regulating. Full Permission Living rests on the foundation of truth that all people are entitled to live pleasure-filled, spontaneous, lives without guilt, shame or oppressive inner rules and prohibitions. Indeed, we are meant to live with full inner permission to follow our natural inner guidance and our inborn pleasure instinct to seek out gratification in all of our actions and endeavors, and that such a way of living always benefits those around us and those that we love."

That last line is important, folks. Contrary to common (erroneous) beliefs, truly living a life of self-centeredness - i.e. - centered in your true self - will always benefit the people in your life energetically as well. That's the harmony of the way higher consciousness works. The belief in competitiveness and scarcity is exactly that - a belief, an idea, perhaps an experiment or game that we have been playing that we are now beginning in earnest to outgrow.

Hey, we've had some great wars, haven't we? Some spectacular thefts, scandalous cheating, innovative brutality, really taken it to the edge, right? It was stimulating for sure, but if you're ready for the next level of excitement - peace, harmony, bliss, expansive creativity without competition, deep love, Eros and sex, vibrant health and abundance... then keep in mind what Karen Horney's "prime moral privilege" is - to work on yourself - and have a blast!  



NEED TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER YOURSELF?!

Stalling in your growth process? Holding onto grudges? Still indulging in victimhood?

WATCH THIS!

REPOST: WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL - IN PURSUIT OF EROS!

I can't count the number of people I've seen for couples counseling over the years. Struggles in relationships are among of the most frequent of reasons people seek out therapy. How one measures "success" in a course of therapy with a couple is a matter for debate in my profession, I suppose, but if the yardstick is whether or not the couple holds their relationship together instead of splitting up, then I am an abject failure. I would have to guess that somewhere around 75 to 80 percent of the couples I see for therapy end up separating. One of my colleagues calls me "The Separator."

Indeed, when I first see a new couple in treatment, one of my first ground rules is that it must be understood that we are not engaging in a process to "save the relationship." I explain that we are going to use the arena of the relationship to increase the self awareness and understanding of each individual, and then, see where that leads. Interestingly enough, very few people are really thrown by that at first, because by the time a couple arrives to therapy, the relationship has gotten so congested with anger, pain and resentment that "saving it" is not really what they're desiring (even though they will need help admitting that).

But, what causes relationships to end? Well, first let's eliminate the word "fail" here as meaning ending, and redefine it this way: a relationship is "failing" when either the Eros has died and the couple is refusing to admit it, or the flame of Eros is still alive and the partners in question are not doing what it takes to fan the flame so it can grow higher. These are two very different situations and a necessary part of self-work within a relationship is to clarify the problem.

In my favorite Pathwork Guide lecture - "The Forces of Love, Eros and Sex" - the Guide, channeled through Eva Broch, says this:

"Eros lifts the soul out of sluggishness, out of mere contentment and vegetation. It causes the soul to surge, to go out of itself. When this force comes upon even the most undeveloped people they become able to surpass themselves. Eros gives the soul a foretaste of unity and teaches the fearful psyche the longing for it. The more strongly one has experienced Eros, the less contentment will the soul find in the pseudo-security of separateness. How then is Eros different from love? Love is a permanent state in the soul. Love does not come and go at random; Eros does. Eros hits with sudden force, often taking a person unaware and even making them unwilling to go through the experience."

Yes. Many of us have had a taste of that, some of us more than a few times. The Guide calls it "Eros," most of us refer to it as being "in love." I often refer to it as the "Free Pass" from the Universe that gives us a taste of how great existence can be in physical form. But if as the Guide says, Eros can "come and go," then how can we get to "keep it" in the context of one relationship?

Well, the first part of the answer to that is kind of Zen, like Sting's lyric: "If you love somebody, set them free."

Mark Epstein, my favorite Buddhist psychotherapist, in his fantastic book, "GOING TO PIECES WITHOUT FALLING APART," says it this way:

"Clinging is as much of a problem in lovemaking as in the rest of life. In order for sexual relations to be deeply satisfying, there must be a yielding of this clinging in a manner that actually affirms the unknowability and separateness of the loved partner. It is the peculiar convergence of awe and appreciation with pleasure and release that characterizes the best sexual experiences. Separate and together cease to be mutually exclusive and instead become reciprocally enhancing and mutually informative. There is wisdom in this state, not just raw instinct."

So, Part One of how to keep Eros, like anything else you want to "keep," is to let it go. (I know. I know. Keep trying to wrap your head around it. It will come to you.)

Part Two is to try and penetrate that "unknowability" that Epstein refers to, and simultaneously allow your own hidden self to be penetrated, even though you will never be completely successful.

Here's the Guide again:

"Eros strengthens the curiosity to know the other being. As long as there is something new to find in the other soul and as long as you reveal yourself, Eros will live. The moment you believe you have found all there is to find, and have revealed all there is to reveal, Eros will leave. It is as simple as that with Eros. But where your great error comes in is that you believe there is a limit to the revealing of any soul, yours or another's. When a certain point of usually quite superficial revelation is reached, you are under the impression that this is all there is, and you settle down to a placid life without further searching."

Okay, to summarize - the way to keep Eros alive is to first, not cling or grip onto it, or onto the person who is the object of your desire, and second, to simultaneously seek to know that person at greater and greater depths while revealing yourself in the same way. Now, let's be honest - this is rarely done in most relationsihps, mainly because it requires very intensive and persistent self-examination and staying connected to the full range of feelings, including pain and sadness. Many more couples would rather either settle into a "comfortable" relationship without any passion, or have serial experiences with a lot of partners to get that initial rush when Eros provides its universal "Free Pass."

However, on those rare occasions when the "whatever-it-takes" effort is made, the result is a soaring, sublime experience of the depths of love and pleasure and soulfulness that is nothing less than the first and main reason we all became human. And know this, if you achieve such a state at any point in your lifetime, you won't care when it is or how old you are. You won't look back and regret that you didn't find such joy when you were younger. You'll be way too busy being happy and satisfied for regrets.

Now, can it all still end, even if you make all of the above efforts? Well, again the answer is a Zen "yes" and "no." Sometimes people come together for a particular soul purpose, to accomplish something together - like bringing a child into the world, or to work on a developmental task - like overcoming one's repetition compulsions from childhood up to a point. In such a case, the Eros that may have brought said couple together will come to the natural end of its lifespan between those two people. They will fall out of love. Not coincidentally, in such a situation, the couple will lose their motivation to continue the intensive, in-depth revelation process with their mate. So, couples counseling also comes to an end.

Which brings us to another subject for another day - how to end things. So much is damaged and lost during endings because we're so "bad" at them, and fear them so much, when in fact, a healthy ending can be the very crowning glory of a relationship when all of the love that was there and all that was accomplished can be integrated and made permanent in the psyche.

But again, that's a talk for another day.

TODAY'S "BOOK OF TRUTH" QUOTES!

"There often comes a moment, in the heat of your desperation, when you call a “time-out.” And you withdraw from the cyclone of illusion that swirls around you. And you find, after all that drama, that the stillness within is still there waiting. It never left. You did. And you scattered a mind-boggling trail of chaos behind you. So that, when all else fails—as it inevitably does—you would find your way home."

"You will continue to manifest life circumstances that will put your understandings to the test, long after you have mastered them in theory. For, until these issues are ingrained as knowingness to the extent that they become your reflex responses, you will continue to manifest opportunities to strengthen those new patterns of reaction. By being fully conscious of what you are doing in those moments when you feel those old familiar buttons being pushed, you can begin to dissipate the vibrational charge that is drawing those kinds of circumstances to you."

"For, when life is working for you, it cannot be to the detriment of another being. That’s not how it works. Choices that give the illusion of putting your back against the wall are the very tests that hold the potential of monumental breakthroughs for all concerned. When you honor your own truth, unconditionally, it sets the stage for a chain reaction of transformation, all the way around."
 

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