"RICK" & THE "RULE OF 80%"

Here's Rick:

A good friend of mine wondered if people are just hardwired a certain way and can't escape the trappings of their DNA. Nature vs nurture? Or would it be the trappings of negative experiences that give us our penchants?

If 99% of children are abused, is it surprising that so many negative and abusive (intentional and unintentional) acts are committed by loved ones + friends? Sometimes those harmful actions is what we know, what we learned. But do those acts define the whole person and the truth?

I believe in the human spirit and that people, of all walks of life, are generally good hearted. Does that mean they don’t do very hurtful things? No. Does that mean they are balanced? No. Sometimes, spouses/partners and parents, don’t have the tools in their toolbox to “properly” fulfill their role, whatever that is. They had poor role models themselves. Should we condemn them while they’re trying to figure out what tools to get or how to use them?

If love is the essence of all that is and we are all one, then we have no choice but to be forgiving and understanding of the shortcomings we all have. I try to be a good person/husband/father/brother/son/friend/teacher/coach etc. Have I hurt people? Yes. Have I been mean to others? Yes. Have I abused my son? According to Alexander Lowen I have or will.

Does that make me an evil person? Does that exclude me from the “We” in “We are one”? I’d like to think not.

Nobody is perfect but we should strive for perfection. People have hurt me terribly. We all get hurt and are disappointed. We all think, "I'm much worse off than others" or "nobody has had to suffer my pain." It wasn’t until I was able to understand and/or forgive those people and "choices" that I was able to begin healing and feeling that “We are all One” instead of justifying my sad state. Don't get me wrong, I needed to have my pity party and go through that "feel bad for me stage". In this blogger's words, I was stupid. However, stupid was necessary. 6 mos later, I simply just go tired of feeling bad + sad and seeing that person in the mirror. That's when I began to honestly speak about my problems. I was stuck in the mud and didn't call on that team of horses to pull me out until I was ready.

I can’t remember where I heard this, it may have been from a very good therapist I had, but it is the rule of 80%. She used numbers but really forced me to focus on the big picture. She was talking about relationships and if we find in people 80% of what we’re looking for, we should be able to live with or forgive the other 20%. Ironically, I look back and think she was a great therapist for me even though there were a few times I thought, "That session was useless!" Did I dump her? no she was good but, like all of us, she balked at certain times but that 20% didn't come close to the 80% when she really delivered.

What about those relationships we didn’t choose? People such as family members, teachers, religious leaders and doctors that gave us much less and in some cases, even took something from us? Should we be understanding + forgiving and “carry each other”? Or, just be disgruntled curmudgeons?

The answer? Whatever allows you to love and be part of “one”.

“One” by U2

I find many of these lines expose what people sometimes use to navigate relationships. Blaming others is a classic tool so too is playing the savior to what doesn’t even exist or isn’t even important.

“Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go withou
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One”