"Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who, because of special gifts in other directions, do not apply this drive to having offspring, but to engaging in other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of "parental" responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy adult personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity."
Erik Erikson
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query generativity. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query generativity. Sort by date Show all posts
MOTHERING... EVEN WITHOUT CHILDREN!
"Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who, because of special gifts in other directions, do not apply this drive to having offspring, but to engaging in other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of "parental" responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy adult personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity."
Erik Erikson
I have often reposted that Erikson quote, written in the last century, because it is so relevant to our time in the 21st Century and to the vibrational rise up to 5D that's been occurring since the end of 2012.
More than ever, First and Second Wave people are choosing not to have biological children, and even those who do choose to have offspring are having fewer of them, and at a later age. In fact, so-called "Millennials" are having fewer children than any other generation... ever! And while 3D-minded social scientists and statisticians scramble to explain the historic decline in the birth rate through the lens of old school theories, the truth is... this is great and timely news!
What Mother Earth does not need during this time is more physical bodies, but rather, she needs for those already here to become more enlightened, self-actualized and engaged in generativity fully.
As someone who has been privileged to participate in the process of hundreds of people awakening and journeying toward higher consciousness, I have witnessed more and more people coming to work on themselves with an intensity and focus that could not be maintained easily while engaged in the 20-year full-time job of parenting a child. So, most have chosen to forego the role, which for centuries was a societal requirement for a woman. I salute you and wish you a Happy Mothers Day! I also salute those rare individuals who are giving it a go, having physical children while pursuing their self-actualization in earnest.
On this Mothers Day, 2018, I honor all of you, all the mothers giving back to life, even the ones dressed in the illusion of male bodies!
Happy Mother's Day!
Erik Erikson
I have often reposted that Erikson quote, written in the last century, because it is so relevant to our time in the 21st Century and to the vibrational rise up to 5D that's been occurring since the end of 2012.
More than ever, First and Second Wave people are choosing not to have biological children, and even those who do choose to have offspring are having fewer of them, and at a later age. In fact, so-called "Millennials" are having fewer children than any other generation... ever! And while 3D-minded social scientists and statisticians scramble to explain the historic decline in the birth rate through the lens of old school theories, the truth is... this is great and timely news!
What Mother Earth does not need during this time is more physical bodies, but rather, she needs for those already here to become more enlightened, self-actualized and engaged in generativity fully.
As someone who has been privileged to participate in the process of hundreds of people awakening and journeying toward higher consciousness, I have witnessed more and more people coming to work on themselves with an intensity and focus that could not be maintained easily while engaged in the 20-year full-time job of parenting a child. So, most have chosen to forego the role, which for centuries was a societal requirement for a woman. I salute you and wish you a Happy Mothers Day! I also salute those rare individuals who are giving it a go, having physical children while pursuing their self-actualization in earnest.
On this Mothers Day, 2018, I honor all of you, all the mothers giving back to life, even the ones dressed in the illusion of male bodies!
Happy Mother's Day!
REPOST: ERIK ERIKSON ON THE STAGES OF ADULTHOOD!
This is from Erikson's famous work: The "EIGHT STAGES OF THE LIFE CYCLE." It was rare that psychologists wrote about adulthood in the same way that the stages of childhood were explored in such depth by so many. Yet, we do not stop developing once we reach adulthood, which Carl Jung once said doesn't really occur until we are around 40 years old, and since fifty is the new forty, well... it's probably not too late for most of my readers to become adults!
Following are excerpts from Erikson's book about the three stages of adulthood, as he saw it, that I used for a class I taught on adulthood.
"6. Intimacy and Distantiation Versus Self-Absorption – It is only after a reasonable sense of identity has been established that real intimacy with others can be possible. The youth who is not sure of his or her identity shies away from interpersonal intimacy, and can become, as an adult, isolated or lacking in spontaneity, warmth or the real exchange of fellowship in relationship to others; but the surer the person becomes of their self, the more intimacy is sought in the form of friendship, leadership, love and inspiration. The counterpart to intimacy is distantiation, which is the readiness to repudiate those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to one’s own.
7. Generativity Versus Stagnation – Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who, from misfortune or because of special gifts in other directions, do not apply this drive to offspring but to other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of parental responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity.
8. Integrity Versus Despair and Disgust – Only a person who has in some way taken care of things and people and has adapted to the triumphs and disappointments of being the originator of others and the generator of things and ideas – only that person may gradually grow the fruit of the [prior] seven stages. [The state of] integrity is the acceptance of one’s own life cycle and of the people who have become significant to it as something that had to be and that, by necessity, permitted of no substitutions. It thus means a new, different love of one’s parents, free of the wish that they had been different, and an acceptance of the fact that one’s life is one’s own responsibility. It is a sense of comradeship with men and women of distant times and of different pursuits who have created orders and objects and sayings conveying human dignity and love. The possessor of integrity is ready to defend the dignity of his or her own lifestyle, knowing that an individual life is the…coincidence of but one life cycle with but one segment of history, and that all integrity stands and falls with the one style of integrity of which he or she partakes. Lack or loss of this accrued integration is signified by despair and often an unconscious fear of death. Despair expresses the feeling that time is short, too short for the attempt to start a new life and to try out alternate roads to integrity. Such a despair is often hidden behind a show of disgust, or a chronic contemptuousness. Integrity, therefore, implies an emotional integration which permits participation by followership as well as acceptance of the responsibility of leadership."
Following are excerpts from Erikson's book about the three stages of adulthood, as he saw it, that I used for a class I taught on adulthood.
"6. Intimacy and Distantiation Versus Self-Absorption – It is only after a reasonable sense of identity has been established that real intimacy with others can be possible. The youth who is not sure of his or her identity shies away from interpersonal intimacy, and can become, as an adult, isolated or lacking in spontaneity, warmth or the real exchange of fellowship in relationship to others; but the surer the person becomes of their self, the more intimacy is sought in the form of friendship, leadership, love and inspiration. The counterpart to intimacy is distantiation, which is the readiness to repudiate those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to one’s own.
7. Generativity Versus Stagnation – Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who, from misfortune or because of special gifts in other directions, do not apply this drive to offspring but to other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of parental responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity.
8. Integrity Versus Despair and Disgust – Only a person who has in some way taken care of things and people and has adapted to the triumphs and disappointments of being the originator of others and the generator of things and ideas – only that person may gradually grow the fruit of the [prior] seven stages. [The state of] integrity is the acceptance of one’s own life cycle and of the people who have become significant to it as something that had to be and that, by necessity, permitted of no substitutions. It thus means a new, different love of one’s parents, free of the wish that they had been different, and an acceptance of the fact that one’s life is one’s own responsibility. It is a sense of comradeship with men and women of distant times and of different pursuits who have created orders and objects and sayings conveying human dignity and love. The possessor of integrity is ready to defend the dignity of his or her own lifestyle, knowing that an individual life is the…coincidence of but one life cycle with but one segment of history, and that all integrity stands and falls with the one style of integrity of which he or she partakes. Lack or loss of this accrued integration is signified by despair and often an unconscious fear of death. Despair expresses the feeling that time is short, too short for the attempt to start a new life and to try out alternate roads to integrity. Such a despair is often hidden behind a show of disgust, or a chronic contemptuousness. Integrity, therefore, implies an emotional integration which permits participation by followership as well as acceptance of the responsibility of leadership."
Repost: "Eric Erikson on Adulthood!"
This is from Erikson's famous work: The "EIGHT STAGES OF THE LIFE CYCLE." It was rare that psychologists wrote about adulthood in the same way that the stages of childhood were explored in such depth by so many. Yet, we do not stop developing once we reach adulthood, which Carl Jung says doesn't really occur until we are around 40 years old.
Following are excerpts from Erikson's book about the three stages of adulthood, as he saw it, that I used for a class I taught on adulthood:
"6. Intimacy and Distantiation Versus Self-Absorption – It is only after a reasonable sense of identity has been established that real intimacy with others can be possible. The youth who is not sure of his or her identity shies away from interpersonal intimacy, and can become, as an adult, isolated or lacking in spontaneity, warmth or the real exchange of fellowship in relationship to others; but the surer the person becomes of their self, the more intimacy is sought in the form of friendship, leadership, love and inspiration. The counterpart to intimacy is distantiation, which is the readiness to repudiate those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to one’s own.
7. Generativity Versus Stagnation – Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who do not apply this drive to offspring but to other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of parental responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity.
8. Integrity Versus Despair and Disgust – Only a person who has in some way taken care of things and people and has adapted to the triumphs and disappointments of being the originator of others and the generator of things and ideas – only that person may gradually grow the fruit of the [prior] seven stages. [The state of] integrity is the acceptance of one’s own life cycle and of the people who have become significant to it as something that had to be and that, by necessity, permitted of no substitutions. It thus means a new, different love of one’s parents, free of the wish that they had been different, and an acceptance of the fact that one’s life is one’s own responsibility. It is a sense of comradeship with men and women of distant times and of different pursuits who have created orders and objects and sayings conveying human dignity and love. The possessor of integrity is ready to defend the dignity of his or her own lifestyle, knowing that an individual life is the…coincidence of but one life cycle with but one segment of history, and that all integrity stands and falls with the one style of integrity of which he or she partakes. Lack or loss of this accrued integration is signified by despair and often an unconscious fear of death. Despair expresses the feeling that time is short, too short for the attempt to start a new life and to try out alternate roads to integrity. Such a despair is often hidden behind a show of disgust, or a chronic contemptuousness. Integrity, therefore, implies an emotional integration which permits participation by followership as well as acceptance of the responsibility of leadership."
Following are excerpts from Erikson's book about the three stages of adulthood, as he saw it, that I used for a class I taught on adulthood:
"6. Intimacy and Distantiation Versus Self-Absorption – It is only after a reasonable sense of identity has been established that real intimacy with others can be possible. The youth who is not sure of his or her identity shies away from interpersonal intimacy, and can become, as an adult, isolated or lacking in spontaneity, warmth or the real exchange of fellowship in relationship to others; but the surer the person becomes of their self, the more intimacy is sought in the form of friendship, leadership, love and inspiration. The counterpart to intimacy is distantiation, which is the readiness to repudiate those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to one’s own.
7. Generativity Versus Stagnation – Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who do not apply this drive to offspring but to other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of parental responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity.
8. Integrity Versus Despair and Disgust – Only a person who has in some way taken care of things and people and has adapted to the triumphs and disappointments of being the originator of others and the generator of things and ideas – only that person may gradually grow the fruit of the [prior] seven stages. [The state of] integrity is the acceptance of one’s own life cycle and of the people who have become significant to it as something that had to be and that, by necessity, permitted of no substitutions. It thus means a new, different love of one’s parents, free of the wish that they had been different, and an acceptance of the fact that one’s life is one’s own responsibility. It is a sense of comradeship with men and women of distant times and of different pursuits who have created orders and objects and sayings conveying human dignity and love. The possessor of integrity is ready to defend the dignity of his or her own lifestyle, knowing that an individual life is the…coincidence of but one life cycle with but one segment of history, and that all integrity stands and falls with the one style of integrity of which he or she partakes. Lack or loss of this accrued integration is signified by despair and often an unconscious fear of death. Despair expresses the feeling that time is short, too short for the attempt to start a new life and to try out alternate roads to integrity. Such a despair is often hidden behind a show of disgust, or a chronic contemptuousness. Integrity, therefore, implies an emotional integration which permits participation by followership as well as acceptance of the responsibility of leadership."
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
My father was 20 years old when I was born in 1954. My mother was 21. Although being married and having children at that age was pretty much the norm in those baby boom years, when I think about it now, as a grown man who has raised children, and as a psychotherapist who’s worked with people of all ages, it is stunning. My parents, for all their good intentions, had no real wisdom to offer a growing child. They couldn’t. Developmentally, they had just begun the early stages of adulthood.
Erik Erikson, one of the few well-known psychologist who wrote about the developmental stages of adulthood,and who I referenced for a class I taught on adulthood, said this about the young adult:
“It is only after a reasonable sense of identity has been established that real intimacy with others can be possible. ‘Generativity’ is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation. This is a stage of growth of the healthy personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity.”
The person I called “Dad” back then, now the 75 year old man I will call tomorrow to say “Happy Father’s Day” to, had issues… and consequently, so did I. And not just because he was young.
But as I’ve often said to people, underneath our character structure elements lies the true light of our higher selves, of our souls.
Technically speaking, my father’s main character structures were psychopathic and masochistic. By clicking on the words, you can see the problems that caused him... and me. His grandiosity, his need for attention, his sadistic style of relating to his underlings (both his kids and his employees) caused me, among other things, to think I was "too sensitive" as a child, so by the time I'd reached adolescence I had learned how not to cry (When I finally broke through my character structure as a 40-year old man, and once again became able to cry fully, it felt like the greatest gift imaginable.).
But there's more to our stories than the slings and arrows we must endure as children at the hands of our parents. If you check out the “higher self” part of the charts, you will find my true inheritance from my “old man” (still so young it’s embarrassing at times!) and perhaps yours.
My father embraced life. He got up every day, and still does, with an energy and attitude that said it was good to be alive, that there were things worth doing in life, and not just out of obligation, but out of desire. As a result, even though we were a working class family, and no matter what the economic ups and downs of the decades of my youth, our life always felt abundant. It was primarily my father's attitude that inspired that feeling. As a painting contractor, and then later a home improvement contractor, my father worked for some very wealthy people. I spent my summers working for him in the incredible homes of some of the rich and famous. Yet, we entered those homes, thanks to my father, like we belonged there, like we were partners in a project with the home owners, not like lowly laborers. (If anything, at times it seemed as if the customers were working for my father and not the other way around!)
My father created things. He was always building or re-building, designing or redecorating something, and it really made him happy to do so. It was (and still is) a family joke among my siblings that when dad was worried or anxious about something, he'd add another room or a deck or some kind of addition to our house.
We tend to form our personalities in both emulation of and in defiance of our parents, very often the one of the same gender. Miraculously, like everything that seems to "randomly" occur in life, our soul makes use of that material to fulfill our destinies. So, I am a psychotherapist in spite of my father, who even just recently referred to my profession of inner world exploration as not being "in the real world." But I am also a writer who has written music and screenplays and has this blog because I, too, in identification with my father, am fired-up by the need to create. And like my father, I don't doubt that even in my fifties, if I want to become a successful writer, I can.
So, thanks, Dad - for the good, the bad and the ugly! For dishing it out, and for taking a few blows in return.
And folks, take heart - if you do the work to face what was negative about your parents and your childhood, you don't end up empty and bereft. By surfacing the dark stuff into the light, it dissipates, and you end up with what was good about your childhood, and you can understand why your soul chose those parents to be born to.
Happy Father's Day!
Erik Erikson, one of the few well-known psychologist who wrote about the developmental stages of adulthood,and who I referenced for a class I taught on adulthood, said this about the young adult:
“It is only after a reasonable sense of identity has been established that real intimacy with others can be possible. ‘Generativity’ is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation. This is a stage of growth of the healthy personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity.”
The person I called “Dad” back then, now the 75 year old man I will call tomorrow to say “Happy Father’s Day” to, had issues… and consequently, so did I. And not just because he was young.
But as I’ve often said to people, underneath our character structure elements lies the true light of our higher selves, of our souls.
Technically speaking, my father’s main character structures were psychopathic and masochistic. By clicking on the words, you can see the problems that caused him... and me. His grandiosity, his need for attention, his sadistic style of relating to his underlings (both his kids and his employees) caused me, among other things, to think I was "too sensitive" as a child, so by the time I'd reached adolescence I had learned how not to cry (When I finally broke through my character structure as a 40-year old man, and once again became able to cry fully, it felt like the greatest gift imaginable.).
But there's more to our stories than the slings and arrows we must endure as children at the hands of our parents. If you check out the “higher self” part of the charts, you will find my true inheritance from my “old man” (still so young it’s embarrassing at times!) and perhaps yours.
My father embraced life. He got up every day, and still does, with an energy and attitude that said it was good to be alive, that there were things worth doing in life, and not just out of obligation, but out of desire. As a result, even though we were a working class family, and no matter what the economic ups and downs of the decades of my youth, our life always felt abundant. It was primarily my father's attitude that inspired that feeling. As a painting contractor, and then later a home improvement contractor, my father worked for some very wealthy people. I spent my summers working for him in the incredible homes of some of the rich and famous. Yet, we entered those homes, thanks to my father, like we belonged there, like we were partners in a project with the home owners, not like lowly laborers. (If anything, at times it seemed as if the customers were working for my father and not the other way around!)
My father created things. He was always building or re-building, designing or redecorating something, and it really made him happy to do so. It was (and still is) a family joke among my siblings that when dad was worried or anxious about something, he'd add another room or a deck or some kind of addition to our house.
We tend to form our personalities in both emulation of and in defiance of our parents, very often the one of the same gender. Miraculously, like everything that seems to "randomly" occur in life, our soul makes use of that material to fulfill our destinies. So, I am a psychotherapist in spite of my father, who even just recently referred to my profession of inner world exploration as not being "in the real world." But I am also a writer who has written music and screenplays and has this blog because I, too, in identification with my father, am fired-up by the need to create. And like my father, I don't doubt that even in my fifties, if I want to become a successful writer, I can.
So, thanks, Dad - for the good, the bad and the ugly! For dishing it out, and for taking a few blows in return.
And folks, take heart - if you do the work to face what was negative about your parents and your childhood, you don't end up empty and bereft. By surfacing the dark stuff into the light, it dissipates, and you end up with what was good about your childhood, and you can understand why your soul chose those parents to be born to.
Happy Father's Day!
TODAY'S QUOTE!
"Generativity is primarily the interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, although there are people who, because of special gifts in other directions, do not apply this drive to having offspring, but to engaging in other forms of altruistic concern and creativity which may absorb their kind of "parental" responsibility. This is a stage of growth of the healthy adult personality, and where such enrichment fails, regression from generativity to an obsessive need for pseudo intimacy takes place, often with a pervading sense of stagnation and interpersonal impoverishment. The mere fact of having, or even wanting children does not itself attest to generativity."
Erik Erikson
Erik Erikson
REPOST: "GIVING TO GET OR DOING IT FOR LOVE?"
A large percentage of the people I see in my therapy practice are professional artists - actors and film makers, writers and musicians, dancers and painters - and many more are amateur artists, often just as gifted, but not making an income from their gifts directly. So, I have spent a lot of time exploring the nature of creativity over the years, and addressing the various internal forces that can block its fullest expression.
The best book I've ever read on this subject is "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, who also wrote one of my favorite novels, "The Legend of Baggar Vance." (The movie with Will Smith and Matt Damon is great, too.)
Pressfield understands something that is key to understanding why artists struggle - that the greatest resistance in each of us is to the greatest calling in our soul.
Pressfield: "The more you love your art/ calling/ enterprise, the more important its accomplishment to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it."
Most often, that resistance specifically manifests itself in not experiencing creative expression as a giving process.
Here's Pressfield again:
"Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it."
This not only applies to artists, of course. All adults need to "give," to arrive to a place that Erik Erickson called "generativity," a developmental stage of adulthood in which giving back to the world is the compelling desire. Adults who are still trying to get the unmet needs of their childhood fulfilled are going against the tide of their development, and that is why they are frustrated, and that is why they suffer. Creative blocks are the soul's way of letting us know we're going against the flow. We're not giving.
Now, "giving" is a tricky word, so let me clarify. Giving is not doing good deeds. Nor does giving involve "sacrifice" or altruism or self-denial. No. Martyrdom is an elaborate attempt by the ego to get something. Giving in its truest form is the celebration of yourself with others through the loving and joyful expression of your particular gifts. If you are a singer, it means singing. If you are a painter it means painting. If you are an actor it means acting. If you are a teacher, it means teaching. If you are a carpenter, it means building. If you are a chef, it means cooking. And you're doing it because you love to do it, because to be happy you have to do it. You're not doing it to get praise or find self-worth. You're not doing it for the money, but neither are you refusing the money. You receive and enjoy the money as a demonstration of the principle that for adults, giving and receiving are parts of the same motion, like inhaling and exhaling are both part of breathing.
Pressfield: "To labor in the arts for any reason other than love is prostitution."
I would add that, finally, to do anything for any reason other than love is against our true nature.
So, my fellow artists, my fellow adults, conduct this experiment: do only what you love to do in life and see what happens. Discover the support that comes to you when you stop trying to get what you think you don't have and start giving what you truly desire to give.
The best book I've ever read on this subject is "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, who also wrote one of my favorite novels, "The Legend of Baggar Vance." (The movie with Will Smith and Matt Damon is great, too.)
Pressfield understands something that is key to understanding why artists struggle - that the greatest resistance in each of us is to the greatest calling in our soul.
Pressfield: "The more you love your art/ calling/ enterprise, the more important its accomplishment to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it."
Most often, that resistance specifically manifests itself in not experiencing creative expression as a giving process.
Here's Pressfield again:
"Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it."
This not only applies to artists, of course. All adults need to "give," to arrive to a place that Erik Erickson called "generativity," a developmental stage of adulthood in which giving back to the world is the compelling desire. Adults who are still trying to get the unmet needs of their childhood fulfilled are going against the tide of their development, and that is why they are frustrated, and that is why they suffer. Creative blocks are the soul's way of letting us know we're going against the flow. We're not giving.
Now, "giving" is a tricky word, so let me clarify. Giving is not doing good deeds. Nor does giving involve "sacrifice" or altruism or self-denial. No. Martyrdom is an elaborate attempt by the ego to get something. Giving in its truest form is the celebration of yourself with others through the loving and joyful expression of your particular gifts. If you are a singer, it means singing. If you are a painter it means painting. If you are an actor it means acting. If you are a teacher, it means teaching. If you are a carpenter, it means building. If you are a chef, it means cooking. And you're doing it because you love to do it, because to be happy you have to do it. You're not doing it to get praise or find self-worth. You're not doing it for the money, but neither are you refusing the money. You receive and enjoy the money as a demonstration of the principle that for adults, giving and receiving are parts of the same motion, like inhaling and exhaling are both part of breathing.
Pressfield: "To labor in the arts for any reason other than love is prostitution."
I would add that, finally, to do anything for any reason other than love is against our true nature.
So, my fellow artists, my fellow adults, conduct this experiment: do only what you love to do in life and see what happens. Discover the support that comes to you when you stop trying to get what you think you don't have and start giving what you truly desire to give.
THE STAGES OF HEALING, PART FOUR: REALIGNMENT
If a person in therapy has developed basic trust and formed a genuine alliance with her therapist, has uncovered his inner beliefs and faced the childhood traumas they were based on without any glossing over, and finally, if he or she has freed herself up emotionally and physically, this person has broken through her character structure. This is an incredible and heroic accomplishment! If entering into therapy is reminiscent of the initial crisis of being born in a desperate state of need, then breaking free of one’s character structure is the equivalent experience to being “born again”, only this time into a healthy, loving inner environment with all the powers, faculties and wisdom of an adult.
This time around, the newly “born” person’s basic trust stays intact, because the patient has now become her own loving parent. So, the person can go about the business of exploring life, just like a well-loved and secure baby does, outside of the inhibiting armor of a defensive structure. Stimulation and sensations in the internal and external worlds are experienced as new again, and, as such, are felt to be both exciting and frightening at first. Just as the newborn child needs to learn how to walk and talk and orient himself to life on planet Earth, a newly opened adult needs to re-learn how to do those things outside of the cramped confines of an inhibited life and contracted or de-energized body.
Also like an infant who doesn’t have an identity based on roles or images yet, a newly released adult has a much more fluid and undefined sense of self. At first, many people at this stage of therapy complain that they feel “lost” or say, “I don’t know who I am anymore”, or “I don’t know where I’m going.” This feeling is not “replaced” with a new identity, however. Instead, the person, over time, gets used to living more like a spirit, free of the limited notions of a clearly defined self, and free from rigid ideas about space and time. More and more moments of exhilarating freedom and a humble but genuine self-confidence begin to infuse the person as a result.
Finally, like a baby who has no conception of the past or future but is totally in the moment, focused only on the immediate input to its five senses, the free adult is once again a sensate being, connected to the now. The richness of physical life and the importance of pleasure become clear. Judgments about one’s desires fall away. Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future no longer occupies the mind. The actualized adult’s ego is “repaired”, and assigned to its proper functions of observing, mediating and remembering, instead of controlling, punishing and suppressing.
This stage of the healing process is a time of getting used to expansive influxes of energy, and once again, as in infancy, it is a time of feeling emotions and sensations in one’s body intensely. The therapist needs to explain that the feelings of fear the patient is having now are not regressive, “old” feelings, but rather, they are appropriate, natural feelings of fear that anyone on a new adventure has. The therapist can reassure the patient that he or she will no longer be paralyzed by strong emotions, and that there is no longer the possibility of regression. This could take time, but now, for the person at this stage, time is an ally. The patient who has broken through his character structure has re-ignited his natural healing process and will only “get better” with the passage of time. This person will truly “age gracefully.”
Inevitably, at this time in the person’s development, sexual gratification and creative expression become paramount issues for the patient. No longer suffering “neurotically” (unconsciously repeating childhood scenarios symbolically over and over again), the patient now becomes focused on the adult needs to share deep intimacy and pleasure with another and to fulfill what Erikson called “generativity”, the desire to give back to the world and the next generation through creative expression. This will often be a time, regardless of the patient’s age, of going back to school, changing careers, and exploring one’s sexual nature, including for many, “learning” how to enjoy sex joyfully, without guilt or shame.
The therapist is mostly engaged in supportive counseling and “teaching” at this time, no longer needing to focus on uncovering hidden images and beliefs or unblocking feelings in the body. This patient knows her own story now and he can cry or laugh fully when the moment calls for it. Meditation and journal writing are very valuable tools to facilitate the process at this stage of development, because just as the body has to re-adjust to free living, so does the mind. Habitual ways of thinking and behaving will assert themselves occasionally, particularly under stress or fatigue, but since the person is now operating consciously, and not locked in her body, subtler techniques will bring him back to a centered, balanced place in shorter and shorter amounts of time.
This time around, the newly “born” person’s basic trust stays intact, because the patient has now become her own loving parent. So, the person can go about the business of exploring life, just like a well-loved and secure baby does, outside of the inhibiting armor of a defensive structure. Stimulation and sensations in the internal and external worlds are experienced as new again, and, as such, are felt to be both exciting and frightening at first. Just as the newborn child needs to learn how to walk and talk and orient himself to life on planet Earth, a newly opened adult needs to re-learn how to do those things outside of the cramped confines of an inhibited life and contracted or de-energized body.
Also like an infant who doesn’t have an identity based on roles or images yet, a newly released adult has a much more fluid and undefined sense of self. At first, many people at this stage of therapy complain that they feel “lost” or say, “I don’t know who I am anymore”, or “I don’t know where I’m going.” This feeling is not “replaced” with a new identity, however. Instead, the person, over time, gets used to living more like a spirit, free of the limited notions of a clearly defined self, and free from rigid ideas about space and time. More and more moments of exhilarating freedom and a humble but genuine self-confidence begin to infuse the person as a result.
Finally, like a baby who has no conception of the past or future but is totally in the moment, focused only on the immediate input to its five senses, the free adult is once again a sensate being, connected to the now. The richness of physical life and the importance of pleasure become clear. Judgments about one’s desires fall away. Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future no longer occupies the mind. The actualized adult’s ego is “repaired”, and assigned to its proper functions of observing, mediating and remembering, instead of controlling, punishing and suppressing.
This stage of the healing process is a time of getting used to expansive influxes of energy, and once again, as in infancy, it is a time of feeling emotions and sensations in one’s body intensely. The therapist needs to explain that the feelings of fear the patient is having now are not regressive, “old” feelings, but rather, they are appropriate, natural feelings of fear that anyone on a new adventure has. The therapist can reassure the patient that he or she will no longer be paralyzed by strong emotions, and that there is no longer the possibility of regression. This could take time, but now, for the person at this stage, time is an ally. The patient who has broken through his character structure has re-ignited his natural healing process and will only “get better” with the passage of time. This person will truly “age gracefully.”
Inevitably, at this time in the person’s development, sexual gratification and creative expression become paramount issues for the patient. No longer suffering “neurotically” (unconsciously repeating childhood scenarios symbolically over and over again), the patient now becomes focused on the adult needs to share deep intimacy and pleasure with another and to fulfill what Erikson called “generativity”, the desire to give back to the world and the next generation through creative expression. This will often be a time, regardless of the patient’s age, of going back to school, changing careers, and exploring one’s sexual nature, including for many, “learning” how to enjoy sex joyfully, without guilt or shame.
The therapist is mostly engaged in supportive counseling and “teaching” at this time, no longer needing to focus on uncovering hidden images and beliefs or unblocking feelings in the body. This patient knows her own story now and he can cry or laugh fully when the moment calls for it. Meditation and journal writing are very valuable tools to facilitate the process at this stage of development, because just as the body has to re-adjust to free living, so does the mind. Habitual ways of thinking and behaving will assert themselves occasionally, particularly under stress or fatigue, but since the person is now operating consciously, and not locked in her body, subtler techniques will bring him back to a centered, balanced place in shorter and shorter amounts of time.
THE STAGES OF HEALING: THE SELF REVISITED, THE SELF REBORN (PART FOUR!)
STAGE FOUR: RE-ALIGNMENT
Here's the fourth installment from my training class on the Stages of Healing that I taught to prospective therapists a while ago. Readers will note that the stages of healing in therapy move along with what should be the natural stages of our development.
If a person in therapy has developed basic trust and formed a genuine alliance with her therapist, has uncovered his inner beliefs and faced the childhood traumas they were based on without any glossing over, and finally, if she has freed herself up emotionally and physically, this person has broken through her character structure. This is an incredible and heroic accomplishment! If entering into therapy is reminiscent of the initial crisis of being born in a desperate state of need, then breaking free of one’s character structure is like the experience of being “born again”, only this time into a healthy, loving environment.
This time around, the newly “born” person’s basic trust stays intact, because the patient has now become her own loving parent. So, the person can go about the business of exploring life, just like a well-loved and secure baby does, outside of the inhibiting armor of a defensive structure. Stimulation and sensations in the internal and external worlds are experienced as new again, and, as such, are felt to be both exciting and frightening at first. Just as the newborn child needs to learn how to walk and talk and orient himself to life on planet Earth, a newly opened adult needs to re-learn how to do those things outside of the cramped confines of an inhibited life and contracted or de-energized body.
Also like an infant, who doesn’t have an “identity” based on roles or images yet, a newly released adult has a much more fluid and undefined sense of self. At first, many people at this stage of therapy “complain” that they feel “lost” or say, “I don’t know who I am anymore”, or “I don’t know where I’m going.” This feeling is not “replaced” with a new identity, however. Instead, the person, over time, gets used to living more like a “spirit”, free of the limited notions of a clearly defined “self”, and free from rigid ideas about space and time. More and more moments of exhilarating freedom and a humble but genuine self-confidence begin to infuse the person as a result.
Finally, like a baby who has no conception of the past or future but is totally in the moment, focused only on the immediate input to its five senses, the free adult is once again a sensate being, connected to the now. The richness of physical life and the importance of pleasure become clear. Judgements about one’s desires fall away. Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future no longer occupies the mind. The actualized adult’s ego is “repaired”, and assigned to its proper functions of observing, mediating and remembering, instead of controlling, punishing and suppressing.
This stage of therapy is a time of getting used to expansive influxes of energy, and once again, as in infancy, it is a time of feeling emotions and sensations in one’s body intensely. The therapist needs to explain that the feelings of fear the patient is having now are not regressive, “old” feelings, but rather, they are appropriate, natural feelings of fear that anyone on a new adventure has. The therapist can reassure the patient that he or she will no longer be paralyzed by strong emotions, and that there is no longer the possibility of regression. This could take time, but now, for the person at this stage, time is an ally. The patient who has broken through his character structure has re-ignited his natural healing process and will only “get better” with the passage of time. This person will truly “age gracefully.”
Inevitably, at this time in the person’s development, sexual gratification and creative expression become paramount issues for the patient. No longer suffering “neurotically” (unconsciously repeating childhood scenarios symbolically over and over again), the patient now becomes focused on the adult needs to share deep intimacy and pleasure with another and to fulfill what Erikson called “generativity”, the desire to give back to the world and the next generation through creative expression. This will often be a time, regardless of the patient’s age, of going back to school, changing careers, and exploring one’s sexual nature, including for many, “learning” how to enjoy sex joyfully, without guilt or shame.
The therapist is mostly engaged in supportive counseling and “teaching” at this time, no longer needing to focus on uncovering hidden images and beliefs or unblocking feelings in the body. This patient knows her own story now and he can cry or laugh fully when the moment calls for it. Meditation and journal writing are very valuable tools to facilitate the process at this stage of development, because just as the body has to re-adjust to free living, so does the mind. Habitual ways of thinking and behaving will assert themselves occasionally, particularly under stress or fatigue, but since the person is now operating consciously, and not locked in her body, subtler techniques will bring him back to a centered, balanced place in shorter and shorter amounts of time.
Here's the fourth installment from my training class on the Stages of Healing that I taught to prospective therapists a while ago. Readers will note that the stages of healing in therapy move along with what should be the natural stages of our development.
If a person in therapy has developed basic trust and formed a genuine alliance with her therapist, has uncovered his inner beliefs and faced the childhood traumas they were based on without any glossing over, and finally, if she has freed herself up emotionally and physically, this person has broken through her character structure. This is an incredible and heroic accomplishment! If entering into therapy is reminiscent of the initial crisis of being born in a desperate state of need, then breaking free of one’s character structure is like the experience of being “born again”, only this time into a healthy, loving environment.
This time around, the newly “born” person’s basic trust stays intact, because the patient has now become her own loving parent. So, the person can go about the business of exploring life, just like a well-loved and secure baby does, outside of the inhibiting armor of a defensive structure. Stimulation and sensations in the internal and external worlds are experienced as new again, and, as such, are felt to be both exciting and frightening at first. Just as the newborn child needs to learn how to walk and talk and orient himself to life on planet Earth, a newly opened adult needs to re-learn how to do those things outside of the cramped confines of an inhibited life and contracted or de-energized body.
Also like an infant, who doesn’t have an “identity” based on roles or images yet, a newly released adult has a much more fluid and undefined sense of self. At first, many people at this stage of therapy “complain” that they feel “lost” or say, “I don’t know who I am anymore”, or “I don’t know where I’m going.” This feeling is not “replaced” with a new identity, however. Instead, the person, over time, gets used to living more like a “spirit”, free of the limited notions of a clearly defined “self”, and free from rigid ideas about space and time. More and more moments of exhilarating freedom and a humble but genuine self-confidence begin to infuse the person as a result.
Finally, like a baby who has no conception of the past or future but is totally in the moment, focused only on the immediate input to its five senses, the free adult is once again a sensate being, connected to the now. The richness of physical life and the importance of pleasure become clear. Judgements about one’s desires fall away. Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future no longer occupies the mind. The actualized adult’s ego is “repaired”, and assigned to its proper functions of observing, mediating and remembering, instead of controlling, punishing and suppressing.
This stage of therapy is a time of getting used to expansive influxes of energy, and once again, as in infancy, it is a time of feeling emotions and sensations in one’s body intensely. The therapist needs to explain that the feelings of fear the patient is having now are not regressive, “old” feelings, but rather, they are appropriate, natural feelings of fear that anyone on a new adventure has. The therapist can reassure the patient that he or she will no longer be paralyzed by strong emotions, and that there is no longer the possibility of regression. This could take time, but now, for the person at this stage, time is an ally. The patient who has broken through his character structure has re-ignited his natural healing process and will only “get better” with the passage of time. This person will truly “age gracefully.”
Inevitably, at this time in the person’s development, sexual gratification and creative expression become paramount issues for the patient. No longer suffering “neurotically” (unconsciously repeating childhood scenarios symbolically over and over again), the patient now becomes focused on the adult needs to share deep intimacy and pleasure with another and to fulfill what Erikson called “generativity”, the desire to give back to the world and the next generation through creative expression. This will often be a time, regardless of the patient’s age, of going back to school, changing careers, and exploring one’s sexual nature, including for many, “learning” how to enjoy sex joyfully, without guilt or shame.
The therapist is mostly engaged in supportive counseling and “teaching” at this time, no longer needing to focus on uncovering hidden images and beliefs or unblocking feelings in the body. This patient knows her own story now and he can cry or laugh fully when the moment calls for it. Meditation and journal writing are very valuable tools to facilitate the process at this stage of development, because just as the body has to re-adjust to free living, so does the mind. Habitual ways of thinking and behaving will assert themselves occasionally, particularly under stress or fatigue, but since the person is now operating consciously, and not locked in her body, subtler techniques will bring him back to a centered, balanced place in shorter and shorter amounts of time.
REPOST: "IS THERE LIFE AFTER THERAPY?"
One of my favorite books ever written by a psychotherapist was called: "Is There Life After Analysis?" by Alma Bond, Ph. D.
Here's what Dr. Bond had to say about what makes for a successful course of therapy:
“...the ability to understand oneself, to love, to hate, to work, to mourn, to allow oneself pleasure when appropriate, to maintain a relatively stable mood, to know who one is and be comfortable with it, to see oneself and the world realistically, to be independent of one's parents or one's therapist, to remain emotionally and physically healthy in the face of anxiety and the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’, and to take over the role of the therapist when the treatment is over. In a manner of speaking, the primary motive of psychotherapy is to make the therapist obsolete.”
Yes! I have frequently said that if I am doing my job as a therapist correctly, I am continually putting myself out of business! Notice that Alma doesn't say that one has to be issue-free to be done with therapy, but rather that one has to be able to honestly see oneself and be able to treat/confront the issues when they show themselves.
Here's more from Dr. Bond on what takes the place of analysis after it is completed:
“The definitive answer to the question of what takes place after therapy can only be answered by the character of the individual patient. Every patient who ends therapy will do something different with his life. My first result was that I became my own therapist. I began to work on my dreams in earnest. I also had more time and energy to throw myself into my career. In two years, I doubled my therapy practice, then went onto writing. Now, in present time, in this new era of my life, the force of energy I once devoted to therapy, and before that to being neurotic, is now focused on my writing career. I feel it is fueled by exactly the same source of power. We only have so much of it; if it is going into conflict, it is unavailable for work. Some will spend this energy enriching their family life, others in deepening their knowledge of the interest of their choice. Some may change their careers altogether. Still others may buy themselves the time and leisure to travel...”
How great, huh? To have all that energy back? Energy that was first locked up in our neurotic defenses and character structures, and then the energy that had to be devoted to the hard excavation and demolition work of those structures in therapy. That's a lot of energy! Having all of that back can do wonders for fulfilling oneself sexually and in love, in health and in our chosen paths to creativity and generativity. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! So, come on people, put me out of business already!
I just want to add a note about meditation here. Many people I know who are following some kind of spiritual path end up feeling very frustrated. They've read The Course in Miracles or Conversations With God or watched The Secret a hundred times and they just seem unable to make use of the Laws of Attraction. Well, here's the thing - all of the promises contained in those and many other spiritual teachings are real. We are meant to attain the fulfillment of our deepest desires, and we do create and/or attract our own reality. And meditation does "work." In fact, there's a cute little piece of the Huffington Post today called "How Meditation Makes You Nicer." (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/07/how-meditation-makes-you_n_95363.html)
BUT... and it's a big but... you are always going to create and attract from your unconscious and subconscious first, so if there is a lot of conflict and negativity in there, you're going to find a lot of crap coming into your life before any good stuff does. You can't wallpaper over the unresolved issues, even with a valid meditation practice. You might achieve some level of "niceness" and glimpses of peacefulness, but it won't last. That's where the hard work of therapy comes in. I wish there was another way, but there aren't any end runs around this, and there arean't any magic pills! However, after therapy, watch what happens when you meditate for real. It's easy. All you need is love.
P.S. Last I heard, Alma Bond was alive and well and writing in the Florida Keys.
Here's what Dr. Bond had to say about what makes for a successful course of therapy:
“...the ability to understand oneself, to love, to hate, to work, to mourn, to allow oneself pleasure when appropriate, to maintain a relatively stable mood, to know who one is and be comfortable with it, to see oneself and the world realistically, to be independent of one's parents or one's therapist, to remain emotionally and physically healthy in the face of anxiety and the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’, and to take over the role of the therapist when the treatment is over. In a manner of speaking, the primary motive of psychotherapy is to make the therapist obsolete.”
Yes! I have frequently said that if I am doing my job as a therapist correctly, I am continually putting myself out of business! Notice that Alma doesn't say that one has to be issue-free to be done with therapy, but rather that one has to be able to honestly see oneself and be able to treat/confront the issues when they show themselves.
Here's more from Dr. Bond on what takes the place of analysis after it is completed:
“The definitive answer to the question of what takes place after therapy can only be answered by the character of the individual patient. Every patient who ends therapy will do something different with his life. My first result was that I became my own therapist. I began to work on my dreams in earnest. I also had more time and energy to throw myself into my career. In two years, I doubled my therapy practice, then went onto writing. Now, in present time, in this new era of my life, the force of energy I once devoted to therapy, and before that to being neurotic, is now focused on my writing career. I feel it is fueled by exactly the same source of power. We only have so much of it; if it is going into conflict, it is unavailable for work. Some will spend this energy enriching their family life, others in deepening their knowledge of the interest of their choice. Some may change their careers altogether. Still others may buy themselves the time and leisure to travel...”
How great, huh? To have all that energy back? Energy that was first locked up in our neurotic defenses and character structures, and then the energy that had to be devoted to the hard excavation and demolition work of those structures in therapy. That's a lot of energy! Having all of that back can do wonders for fulfilling oneself sexually and in love, in health and in our chosen paths to creativity and generativity. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! So, come on people, put me out of business already!
I just want to add a note about meditation here. Many people I know who are following some kind of spiritual path end up feeling very frustrated. They've read The Course in Miracles or Conversations With God or watched The Secret a hundred times and they just seem unable to make use of the Laws of Attraction. Well, here's the thing - all of the promises contained in those and many other spiritual teachings are real. We are meant to attain the fulfillment of our deepest desires, and we do create and/or attract our own reality. And meditation does "work." In fact, there's a cute little piece of the Huffington Post today called "How Meditation Makes You Nicer." (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/07/how-meditation-makes-you_n_95363.html)
BUT... and it's a big but... you are always going to create and attract from your unconscious and subconscious first, so if there is a lot of conflict and negativity in there, you're going to find a lot of crap coming into your life before any good stuff does. You can't wallpaper over the unresolved issues, even with a valid meditation practice. You might achieve some level of "niceness" and glimpses of peacefulness, but it won't last. That's where the hard work of therapy comes in. I wish there was another way, but there aren't any end runs around this, and there arean't any magic pills! However, after therapy, watch what happens when you meditate for real. It's easy. All you need is love.
P.S. Last I heard, Alma Bond was alive and well and writing in the Florida Keys.
The "Millennials" Are Coming - GET THE DIAPERS!!
Was anybody home last night to watch the "60 Minutes" story" on the new generation of "kids" that have recently arrived to "adulthood?" Man, I've been writing and ranting about this age group and the one coming after them for years now, and getting no small amount of flack for it. I've been begging parents to consider the consequences for the narcissists they're creating, and for the world at large, and admonishing those same parents for their own ego-driven, vicarious motivations that are gutting our kids.
Well, it's hitting the mainstream media now. Here's Morley Safer from last night's show:
"There are about 80 million of them, born between 1980 and 1995, and they're rapidly taking over from the Baby Boomers who are now pushing 60. They were raised by doting parents who told them they are special, played in little leagues with no winners or losers, or all winners. They are laden with trophies just for participating and they think your business-as-usual ethic is for the birds, and you can take your job and shove it. They are a generation that only takes 'yes' for an answer. And their priorities are simple: they come first."
Now, many who know me or read this blog have heard me talk about the "Joy of Quitting," or the "End of the Job," and "Full Permission Working." I am a staunch advocate of not wasting your life doing things that you don't find fulfilling. And I certainly see the 9-to-5 (now 8-to-8) corporate cog work-life as demeaning and spirit-crushing. But by no means do I advocate remaining a child. I absolutely know that fulfillment in life includes the capacity to be creative and productive in the world, and attaining what Erik Erikson called "generativity," the desire to give back.
Marian Salzman was on the show. She's an ad agency executive who has been managing and tracking "Millennials" since they entered the workforce. "You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and that the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have that commitment. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool," Salzman tells Safer.
Her words, folks, not mine -an "extension" of "the teenage babysitting pool." Exactly. One of the questions I've often put to parents is "Who's going to continue coddling your kids when they reach adulthood? Who's going to hire them? And who in their right mind would ever want to marry someone who needs an eternal source of narcissistic supply from their partner?"
Mary Crane offers crash courses for Millennials, trying to prepare them for actual work. She said this on 60 Minutes: "You now have a generation coming into the workplace that has grown up with the expectation that they will automatically win, and they'll always be rewarded, even for just showing up," Crane says.
In psychological terms, by the way, that's called "Primary Narcissism."
Morley was onto it.
"So who's to blame for the narcissistic praise hounds now taking over the office?" Safer asks.
Wall Street Journal columnist Jeffrey Zaslow blames...Mr. Rogers! "You have got a guy like Fred Rogers on TV. He was telling his preschoolers, 'You're special. You're special.' And he meant well. But we, as parents, ran with it. And we said, 'You, Junior, are special, and you're special and you're special and you're special.' And for doing what? We didn't really explain that," Zaslow says.
Furthermore, he says that the coddling virus continues to eat away even when junior goes off to college.
"I heard from several professors who said, a student will come up after class and say, 'I don't like my grade, and my mom wants to talk to you, here's the phone," Zaslow says. "And the students think it's like a service. 'I deserve an A because I'm paying for it. What are you giving me a C for?"
Now, here's where the pathology really starts to manifest from this upbringing without autonomy:
"Today," Morley Safer says, "more than half of college seniors move home after graduation. It's a safety net, or safety diaper, that allows many kids to quickly opt out of a job they don't like."
Does that give anyone a chill: "SAFETY DIAPER?!"
"There once was, if not shame, a little certain uneasiness about being seen to be living at home in your mid 20s, yes?" Safer asks Mary Crane.
"Not only is there no shame with it, but this is thought to be a very smart, wise, economic decision," Crane says.
Finally, here's where it gets really sad. This is a young man in his twenties, talking about his upbringing, interviewed on the show:
"Our parents really took from us that opportunity to fall down on our face and learn how to stand up," says Jason Dorsey.
You can find the whole transcript of the show here: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml
Well, it's hitting the mainstream media now. Here's Morley Safer from last night's show:
"There are about 80 million of them, born between 1980 and 1995, and they're rapidly taking over from the Baby Boomers who are now pushing 60. They were raised by doting parents who told them they are special, played in little leagues with no winners or losers, or all winners. They are laden with trophies just for participating and they think your business-as-usual ethic is for the birds, and you can take your job and shove it. They are a generation that only takes 'yes' for an answer. And their priorities are simple: they come first."
Now, many who know me or read this blog have heard me talk about the "Joy of Quitting," or the "End of the Job," and "Full Permission Working." I am a staunch advocate of not wasting your life doing things that you don't find fulfilling. And I certainly see the 9-to-5 (now 8-to-8) corporate cog work-life as demeaning and spirit-crushing. But by no means do I advocate remaining a child. I absolutely know that fulfillment in life includes the capacity to be creative and productive in the world, and attaining what Erik Erikson called "generativity," the desire to give back.
Marian Salzman was on the show. She's an ad agency executive who has been managing and tracking "Millennials" since they entered the workforce. "You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and that the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have that commitment. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool," Salzman tells Safer.
Her words, folks, not mine -an "extension" of "the teenage babysitting pool." Exactly. One of the questions I've often put to parents is "Who's going to continue coddling your kids when they reach adulthood? Who's going to hire them? And who in their right mind would ever want to marry someone who needs an eternal source of narcissistic supply from their partner?"
Mary Crane offers crash courses for Millennials, trying to prepare them for actual work. She said this on 60 Minutes: "You now have a generation coming into the workplace that has grown up with the expectation that they will automatically win, and they'll always be rewarded, even for just showing up," Crane says.
In psychological terms, by the way, that's called "Primary Narcissism."
Morley was onto it.
"So who's to blame for the narcissistic praise hounds now taking over the office?" Safer asks.
Wall Street Journal columnist Jeffrey Zaslow blames...Mr. Rogers! "You have got a guy like Fred Rogers on TV. He was telling his preschoolers, 'You're special. You're special.' And he meant well. But we, as parents, ran with it. And we said, 'You, Junior, are special, and you're special and you're special and you're special.' And for doing what? We didn't really explain that," Zaslow says.
Furthermore, he says that the coddling virus continues to eat away even when junior goes off to college.
"I heard from several professors who said, a student will come up after class and say, 'I don't like my grade, and my mom wants to talk to you, here's the phone," Zaslow says. "And the students think it's like a service. 'I deserve an A because I'm paying for it. What are you giving me a C for?"
Now, here's where the pathology really starts to manifest from this upbringing without autonomy:
"Today," Morley Safer says, "more than half of college seniors move home after graduation. It's a safety net, or safety diaper, that allows many kids to quickly opt out of a job they don't like."
Does that give anyone a chill: "SAFETY DIAPER?!"
"There once was, if not shame, a little certain uneasiness about being seen to be living at home in your mid 20s, yes?" Safer asks Mary Crane.
"Not only is there no shame with it, but this is thought to be a very smart, wise, economic decision," Crane says.
Finally, here's where it gets really sad. This is a young man in his twenties, talking about his upbringing, interviewed on the show:
"Our parents really took from us that opportunity to fall down on our face and learn how to stand up," says Jason Dorsey.
You can find the whole transcript of the show here: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml
THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING, PART NINE: NOBODY NEEDS YOU!
Oh, this is a big one. This will ruffle the feathers of a lot of people who strive to be saints, do-gooders and long-suffering mates. Yes, many human beings have dedicated themselves to the illusion that by doing for others, you will get for yourself, that self-sacrifice leads to future rewards, that meeting the needs of others makes you deserving of having your needs met, because putting yourself second is what makes a good person good.
Wrong.
Nobody needs you. Nobody.
Well, okay, now that I've delivered the shock treatment, let's qualify that. No adult needs you. It is true that in strictly physical terms, your children - in early childhood only - need you for nourishment, shelter, emotional support, love and guidance. Fair enough. But after that, nobody needs you!
So, get over it and let's explore the truth about this.
As I said, in linear, physical reality, children are pretty much born utterly helpless and dependent. In order to survive and thrive during the first 5 to 7 years of life, a child must receive everything of physical and emotional sustenance from the environment, mainly the parents and/or other significant caretaking others in our current paradigm (Problems with that paradigm were discussed in Part 4 of this series: "PARENTS ARE THE LEAST QUALIFIED OF ALL ADULTS TO RAISE CHILDREN!").
I refer to this need in the young child to be "filled up" by its parents as being on the "tank system."
As the child evolves through the developmental stages of late childhood, adolescence and on into young adulthood, the need to receive is steadily replaced by the need to "give," what Erik Erikson called "generativity." Adults, in other words, get filled up by giving, what I refer to as the "channel system."
The more an adult gives, the more filled up he or she feels, the more he or she receives. For an adult, giving and receiving a like inhaling and exhaling. One leads inexorably to the other
Now - very important - let's clarify what is meant by "giving" in adulthood. It is not doing "good deeds" or acting out of "self-sacrifice" or through so-called altruistic behaviors. An adult human being gives, genuinely, by expressing, by creating, by outputting from a place of passion, desire and personal highest excitement. To act from any other place means acting from a mask, from the child self's ego, and that means that the so-called giving is actually a covert attempt to get something (i.e. - an unmet need from childhood, which ironically, is something an adult actually doesn't need anymore, as I've indicated.)
So, simply put, except for children, nobody needs you to do or be anything that isn't for and from your highest place of personal fulfillment. (See the intro description of Full Permission Living). And even children, by the way, only truly get nourished emotionally if your giving to them is coming from a self-actualized place of joy.
Now, onto the spiritual, higher dimensional understanding of why nobody needs you.
One of the basic, higher truths about everything, which I mentioned in the introduction to the first installment of this series, is that we are all one. What that means, among other things, is that we are all of the same singular "body" of consciousness and energy, and that every "individual" is actually a mirrored reflection of an aspect of ourselves and of All That Is. Separateness, therefore, is an idea, a construct, an illusion if you will. Individuality is an experiment in consciousness by the consciousness of All That Is to experience the idea of separation.
It is only by thoroughly believing in this idea of separation, and by forgetting temporarily the true nature of existence, that we could possibly believe that any one person might "need" another. In other words, one would have to conclude that a particular individual is not connected directly to the source energy of All That Is, and therefore needs us to step in where All That Is is falling short, quite a remarkable arrogance, wouldn't you say? But that's been part of the 3D game, which is now coming to an end, which is why we're talking about this!
So, let it go, folks. Take a deep breath and realize that you are free, free from obligation, free from sacrifice, free from denial of who you are. Everyone benefits fully, everyone receives your gifts, when you are loving yourself fully. Period.
Nobody needs you because ultimately there is no one but you.
Think about that.
Wrong.
Nobody needs you. Nobody.
Well, okay, now that I've delivered the shock treatment, let's qualify that. No adult needs you. It is true that in strictly physical terms, your children - in early childhood only - need you for nourishment, shelter, emotional support, love and guidance. Fair enough. But after that, nobody needs you!
So, get over it and let's explore the truth about this.
As I said, in linear, physical reality, children are pretty much born utterly helpless and dependent. In order to survive and thrive during the first 5 to 7 years of life, a child must receive everything of physical and emotional sustenance from the environment, mainly the parents and/or other significant caretaking others in our current paradigm (Problems with that paradigm were discussed in Part 4 of this series: "PARENTS ARE THE LEAST QUALIFIED OF ALL ADULTS TO RAISE CHILDREN!").
I refer to this need in the young child to be "filled up" by its parents as being on the "tank system."
As the child evolves through the developmental stages of late childhood, adolescence and on into young adulthood, the need to receive is steadily replaced by the need to "give," what Erik Erikson called "generativity." Adults, in other words, get filled up by giving, what I refer to as the "channel system."
The more an adult gives, the more filled up he or she feels, the more he or she receives. For an adult, giving and receiving a like inhaling and exhaling. One leads inexorably to the other
Now - very important - let's clarify what is meant by "giving" in adulthood. It is not doing "good deeds" or acting out of "self-sacrifice" or through so-called altruistic behaviors. An adult human being gives, genuinely, by expressing, by creating, by outputting from a place of passion, desire and personal highest excitement. To act from any other place means acting from a mask, from the child self's ego, and that means that the so-called giving is actually a covert attempt to get something (i.e. - an unmet need from childhood, which ironically, is something an adult actually doesn't need anymore, as I've indicated.)
This principle also includes giving love to people you may love romantically. If you cannot accept that someone won't fully receive the love you are trying to give, and you remain frustrated by that, you are caught in the "giving-to-get" trap.
Here's a quote from a Pathwork Guide Lecture, "The Harm of Too Much Giving":
"If a person is incapable of receiving your love and is frightened by it, yet your frustrated wish to love comes out in a stronger force than what the other person is capable of meeting, your current makes that other person withdraw in fear. When you are unaware of your own inner processes, you are not sensitive to this. You merely feel rejected and are busy with this insult. Thus you do not respect the other's integral right not to be receptive to what you wish to give. But if you realize the inner struggle of the other person, if you grow sufficiently to give only what can be received, another kind of relationship could come into being that may be very rewarding."
So, simply put, except for children, nobody needs you to do or be anything that isn't for and from your highest place of personal fulfillment. (See the intro description of Full Permission Living). And even children, by the way, only truly get nourished emotionally if your giving to them is coming from a self-actualized place of joy.
Now, onto the spiritual, higher dimensional understanding of why nobody needs you.
One of the basic, higher truths about everything, which I mentioned in the introduction to the first installment of this series, is that we are all one. What that means, among other things, is that we are all of the same singular "body" of consciousness and energy, and that every "individual" is actually a mirrored reflection of an aspect of ourselves and of All That Is. Separateness, therefore, is an idea, a construct, an illusion if you will. Individuality is an experiment in consciousness by the consciousness of All That Is to experience the idea of separation.
It is only by thoroughly believing in this idea of separation, and by forgetting temporarily the true nature of existence, that we could possibly believe that any one person might "need" another. In other words, one would have to conclude that a particular individual is not connected directly to the source energy of All That Is, and therefore needs us to step in where All That Is is falling short, quite a remarkable arrogance, wouldn't you say? But that's been part of the 3D game, which is now coming to an end, which is why we're talking about this!
So, let it go, folks. Take a deep breath and realize that you are free, free from obligation, free from sacrifice, free from denial of who you are. Everyone benefits fully, everyone receives your gifts, when you are loving yourself fully. Period.
Nobody needs you because ultimately there is no one but you.
Think about that.
REPOST: "GIVING TO GET OR DOING IT FOR LOVE?"
A large percentage of the people I see in my therapy practice are professional artists - actors and film makers, writers and musicians, dancers and painters - and many more are amateur artists, often just as gifted, but not making an income from their gifts directly. So, I have spent a lot of time exploring the nature of creativity over the years, and addressing the various internal forces that can block its fullest expression.
The best book I've ever read on this subject is "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, who also wrote one of my favorite novels, "The Legend of Baggar Vance." (The movie with Will Smith and Matt Damon is great, too.)
Pressfield understands something that is key to understanding why artists struggle - that the greatest resistance in each of us is to the greatest calling in our soul.
Pressfield: "The more you love your art/ calling/ enterprise, the more important its accomplishment to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it."
Most often, that resistance specifically manifests itself in not experiencing creative expression as a giving process.
Here's Pressfield again:
"Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it."
This not only applies to artists, of course. All adults need to "give," to arrive to a place that Erik Erickson called "generativity," a developmental stage of adulthood in which giving back to the world is the compelling desire. Adults who are still trying to get the unmet needs of their childhood fulfilled are going against the tide of their development, and that is why they are frustrated, and that is why they suffer. Creative blocks are the soul's way of letting us know we're going against the flow. We're not giving.
Now, "giving" is a tricky word, so let me clarify. Giving is not doing good deeds. Nor does giving involve "sacrifice" or altruism or self-denial. No. Martyrdom is an elaborate attempt by the ego to get something. Giving in its truest form is the celebration of yourself with others through the loving and joyful expression of your particular gifts. If you are a singer, it means singing. If you are a painter it means painting. If you are an actor it means acting. If you are a teacher, it means teaching. If you are a carpenter, it means building. If you are a chef, it means cooking. And you're doing it because you love to do it, because to be happy you have to do it. You're not doing it to get praise or find self-worth. You're not doing it for the money, but neither are you refusing the money. You receive and enjoy the money as a demonstration of the principle that for adults, giving and receiving are parts of the same motion, like inhaling and exhaling are both part of breathing.
Pressfield: "To labor in the arts for any reason other than love is prostitution."
I would add that, finally, to do anything for any reason other than love is against our true nature.
So, my fellow artists, my fellow adults, conduct this experiment: do only what you love to do in life and see what happens. Discover the support that comes to you when you stop trying to get what you think you don't have and start giving what you truly desire to give.
The best book I've ever read on this subject is "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, who also wrote one of my favorite novels, "The Legend of Baggar Vance." (The movie with Will Smith and Matt Damon is great, too.)
Pressfield understands something that is key to understanding why artists struggle - that the greatest resistance in each of us is to the greatest calling in our soul.
Pressfield: "The more you love your art/ calling/ enterprise, the more important its accomplishment to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it."
Most often, that resistance specifically manifests itself in not experiencing creative expression as a giving process.
Here's Pressfield again:
"Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it."
This not only applies to artists, of course. All adults need to "give," to arrive to a place that Erik Erickson called "generativity," a developmental stage of adulthood in which giving back to the world is the compelling desire. Adults who are still trying to get the unmet needs of their childhood fulfilled are going against the tide of their development, and that is why they are frustrated, and that is why they suffer. Creative blocks are the soul's way of letting us know we're going against the flow. We're not giving.
Now, "giving" is a tricky word, so let me clarify. Giving is not doing good deeds. Nor does giving involve "sacrifice" or altruism or self-denial. No. Martyrdom is an elaborate attempt by the ego to get something. Giving in its truest form is the celebration of yourself with others through the loving and joyful expression of your particular gifts. If you are a singer, it means singing. If you are a painter it means painting. If you are an actor it means acting. If you are a teacher, it means teaching. If you are a carpenter, it means building. If you are a chef, it means cooking. And you're doing it because you love to do it, because to be happy you have to do it. You're not doing it to get praise or find self-worth. You're not doing it for the money, but neither are you refusing the money. You receive and enjoy the money as a demonstration of the principle that for adults, giving and receiving are parts of the same motion, like inhaling and exhaling are both part of breathing.
Pressfield: "To labor in the arts for any reason other than love is prostitution."
I would add that, finally, to do anything for any reason other than love is against our true nature.
So, my fellow artists, my fellow adults, conduct this experiment: do only what you love to do in life and see what happens. Discover the support that comes to you when you stop trying to get what you think you don't have and start giving what you truly desire to give.
BETTY WAS RIGHT! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, LADIES!!
Fifty years ago, Betty Friedan made a startling prediction in her controversial best seller, “The Feminine Mystique” - If American housewives would embark on lifelong careers, she claimed, they would be happier and healthier, their marriages would be more satisfying, and their children would thrive.
Today, with almost two-thirds of married mothers employed and women the sole or main breadwinnerin 40 percent of households, according to a Pew study released Wednesday, we can test competing points of view on the subject.
Today, with almost two-thirds of married mothers employed and women the sole or main breadwinnerin 40 percent of households, according to a Pew study released Wednesday, we can test competing points of view on the subject.
Ms. Friedan wins!
At all income levels, stay-at-home mothers report more sadness, anger, and episodes of diagnosed depression than their employed counterparts. And so too do the children of the depressed moms suffer from higher rates of anxiety.
Look, folks, I've been talking about this for years, and I still am. Self-actualization... SELF-actualization, not self-sacrifice, is the best thing you can do for yourself and anyone in your life, including and especially your kids.
Generativity is a genuine need for a vital adult. Do what you love to do in the world. Get out of the house!
And thanks, Betty!
HOW MANY MORE GEORGE BUSHES ARE ON THE WAY? ASK AN OVERINDULGENT PARENT!
People have given me a lot of lip over the last couple of years because I have given them a lot of lip. In one area in particular, I have taken a strong and harsh position that many people haven't liked - towards over-indulgent parents. I have frequently decried the "generation of narcissists" that said parents are creating, and warned that these seemingly innocuous kids who are used to being the center of the universe are going to do some harm someday. I'm not the only one aware of the real and potential damage. Frank Rich, in this morning's Times, wrote about the enormous damage George W. Bush has wreaked on our country by virtue of his narcissism.
Frank Rich:
"The man who emerges is a narcissist with no self-awareness whatsoever. It’s that arrogance that allowed him to tune out even the most calamitous of realities, freeing him to compound them without missing a step."
Here's a posting from my blog that I put up last May. It that followed a "SIXTY MINUTES" show on the effects of "over-parenting."
Was anybody home last night to watch the "60 Minutes" story" on the new generation of "kids" that have recently arrived to "adulthood?" Man, I've been writing and ranting about this age group and the one coming after them for years now, and getting no small amount of flack for it. I've been begging parents to consider the consequences for the narcissists they're creating, and for the world at large, and admonishing those same parents for their own ego-driven, vicarious motivations that are gutting our kids.
Well, it's hitting the mainstream media now. Here's Morley Safer from last night's show:
"There are about 80 million of them, born between 1980 and 1995, and they're rapidly taking over from the Baby Boomers who are now pushing 60. They were raised by doting parents who told them they are special, played in little leagues with no winners or losers, or all winners. They are laden with trophies just for participating and they think your business-as-usual ethic is for the birds, and you can take your job and shove it. They are a generation that only takes 'yes' for an answer. And their priorities are simple: they come first."
Now, many who know me or read this blog have heard me talk about the "Joy of Quitting," or the "End of the Job," and "Full Permission Working." I am a staunch advocate of not wasting your life doing things that you don't find fulfilling. And I certainly see the 9-to-5 (now 8-to-8) corporate cog work-life as demeaning and spirit-crushing. But by no means do I advocate remaining a child. I absolutely know that fulfillment in life includes the capacity to be creative and productive in the world, and attaining what Erik Erikson called "generativity," the desire to give back.
Marian Salzman was on the show. She's an ad agency executive who has been managing and tracking "Millennials" since they entered the workforce. "You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and that the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have that commitment. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool," Salzman tells Safer.
Her words, folks, not mine -an "extension" of "the teenage babysitting pool." Exactly. One of the questions I've often put to parents is "Who's going to continue coddling your kids when they reach adulthood? Who's going to hire them? And who in their right mind would ever want to marry someone who needs an eternal source of narcissistic supply from their partner?"
Mary Crane offers crash courses for Millennials, trying to prepare them for actual work. She said this on 60 Minutes: "You now have a generation coming into the workplace that has grown up with the expectation that they will automatically win, and they'll always be rewarded, even for just showing up," Crane says.
In psychological terms, by the way, that's called "Primary Narcissism."
Morley was onto it.
"So who's to blame for the narcissistic praise hounds now taking over the office?" Safer asks.
Wall Street Journal columnist Jeffrey Zaslow blames...Mr. Rogers! "You have got a guy like Fred Rogers on TV. He was telling his preschoolers, 'You're special. You're special.' And he meant well. But we, as parents, ran with it. And we said, 'You, Junior, are special, and you're special and you're special and you're special.' And for doing what? We didn't really explain that," Zaslow says.
Furthermore, he says that the coddling virus continues to eat away even when junior goes off to college.
"I heard from several professors who said, a student will come up after class and say, 'I don't like my grade, and my mom wants to talk to you, here's the phone," Zaslow says. "And the students think it's like a service. 'I deserve an A because I'm paying for it. What are you giving me a C for?"
Now, here's where the pathology really starts to manifest from this upbringing without autonomy:
"Today," Morley Safer says, "more than half of college seniors move home after graduation. It's a safety net, or safety diaper, that allows many kids to quickly opt out of a job they don't like."
Does that give anyone a chill: "SAFETY DIAPER?!"
"There once was, if not shame, a little certain uneasiness about being seen to be living at home in your mid 20s, yes?" Safer asks Mary Crane.
"Not only is there no shame with it, but this is thought to be a very smart, wise, economic decision," Crane says.
Finally, here's where it gets really sad. This is a young man in his twenties, talking about his upbringing, interviewed on the show:
"Our parents really took from us that opportunity to fall down on our face and learn how to stand up," says Jason Dorsey.
You can find the whole transcript of the SIXTY MINUTES show here: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml
To find more of my writings on the subject of narcissism, go here: http://fullpermissionliving.blogspot.com/search?q=narcissism
Frank Rich:
"The man who emerges is a narcissist with no self-awareness whatsoever. It’s that arrogance that allowed him to tune out even the most calamitous of realities, freeing him to compound them without missing a step."
Here's a posting from my blog that I put up last May. It that followed a "SIXTY MINUTES" show on the effects of "over-parenting."
Was anybody home last night to watch the "60 Minutes" story" on the new generation of "kids" that have recently arrived to "adulthood?" Man, I've been writing and ranting about this age group and the one coming after them for years now, and getting no small amount of flack for it. I've been begging parents to consider the consequences for the narcissists they're creating, and for the world at large, and admonishing those same parents for their own ego-driven, vicarious motivations that are gutting our kids.
Well, it's hitting the mainstream media now. Here's Morley Safer from last night's show:
"There are about 80 million of them, born between 1980 and 1995, and they're rapidly taking over from the Baby Boomers who are now pushing 60. They were raised by doting parents who told them they are special, played in little leagues with no winners or losers, or all winners. They are laden with trophies just for participating and they think your business-as-usual ethic is for the birds, and you can take your job and shove it. They are a generation that only takes 'yes' for an answer. And their priorities are simple: they come first."
Now, many who know me or read this blog have heard me talk about the "Joy of Quitting," or the "End of the Job," and "Full Permission Working." I am a staunch advocate of not wasting your life doing things that you don't find fulfilling. And I certainly see the 9-to-5 (now 8-to-8) corporate cog work-life as demeaning and spirit-crushing. But by no means do I advocate remaining a child. I absolutely know that fulfillment in life includes the capacity to be creative and productive in the world, and attaining what Erik Erikson called "generativity," the desire to give back.
Marian Salzman was on the show. She's an ad agency executive who has been managing and tracking "Millennials" since they entered the workforce. "You do have to speak to them a little bit like a therapist on television might speak to a patient," Salzman says, laughing. "You can't be harsh. You cannot tell them you're disappointed in them. These young people will tell you what time their yoga class is and that the day's work will be organized around the fact that they have that commitment. How wonderful it is to be young and have your priorities so clear. Flipside of it is how awful it is to be managing the extension, sort of, of the teenage babysitting pool," Salzman tells Safer.
Her words, folks, not mine -an "extension" of "the teenage babysitting pool." Exactly. One of the questions I've often put to parents is "Who's going to continue coddling your kids when they reach adulthood? Who's going to hire them? And who in their right mind would ever want to marry someone who needs an eternal source of narcissistic supply from their partner?"
Mary Crane offers crash courses for Millennials, trying to prepare them for actual work. She said this on 60 Minutes: "You now have a generation coming into the workplace that has grown up with the expectation that they will automatically win, and they'll always be rewarded, even for just showing up," Crane says.
In psychological terms, by the way, that's called "Primary Narcissism."
Morley was onto it.
"So who's to blame for the narcissistic praise hounds now taking over the office?" Safer asks.
Wall Street Journal columnist Jeffrey Zaslow blames...Mr. Rogers! "You have got a guy like Fred Rogers on TV. He was telling his preschoolers, 'You're special. You're special.' And he meant well. But we, as parents, ran with it. And we said, 'You, Junior, are special, and you're special and you're special and you're special.' And for doing what? We didn't really explain that," Zaslow says.
Furthermore, he says that the coddling virus continues to eat away even when junior goes off to college.
"I heard from several professors who said, a student will come up after class and say, 'I don't like my grade, and my mom wants to talk to you, here's the phone," Zaslow says. "And the students think it's like a service. 'I deserve an A because I'm paying for it. What are you giving me a C for?"
Now, here's where the pathology really starts to manifest from this upbringing without autonomy:
"Today," Morley Safer says, "more than half of college seniors move home after graduation. It's a safety net, or safety diaper, that allows many kids to quickly opt out of a job they don't like."
Does that give anyone a chill: "SAFETY DIAPER?!"
"There once was, if not shame, a little certain uneasiness about being seen to be living at home in your mid 20s, yes?" Safer asks Mary Crane.
"Not only is there no shame with it, but this is thought to be a very smart, wise, economic decision," Crane says.
Finally, here's where it gets really sad. This is a young man in his twenties, talking about his upbringing, interviewed on the show:
"Our parents really took from us that opportunity to fall down on our face and learn how to stand up," says Jason Dorsey.
You can find the whole transcript of the SIXTY MINUTES show here: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml
To find more of my writings on the subject of narcissism, go here: http://fullpermissionliving.blogspot.com/search?q=narcissism
"PUT ELIAS KOTEAS IN YOUR MOVIE, NOW!" PL: "OKAY, I WILL!!"
This is from "THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER" last week, a piece entitled "Put Elias Koteas in your movie, now!" by one Jay A. Fernandez.
This is very exciting to me because not only is Elias a dear friend of mine, but this gifted actor is interested in starring in and directing a feature film of mine, called "THE FILE." In fact, we just had a table reading of the screenplay last week, directed by Elias, and it was exhilarating.
It is so gratifying to see the harmonious rhythm and evolution of a bright light in a fellow human being. I speak often about "generativity" - the need in a developing adult to give back to the world through the expression of one's natural soul gifts. It's a beautiful thing to witness.
Congratulations, Elias!!
Below is the piece on Elias by Fernandez, and below that is a brief scene from my screenplay, THE FILE.
Here's Fernandez:
This is decidedly random, but I’ve seen two movies recently that featured typically strong appearances by the mostly unsung Elias Koteas. I don’t know what it is, but I find this guy exhilarating to watch and wholeheartedly believe that he needs to be on screen as much as humanly possible.
So I hereby call for casting directors to bring him in on everything — comic book villains, romantic leads, action roles, miserable dramas, pornos, whatever. Get him in the movie. Do it now.
At Sundance two weeks ago, I was suffering through “The Killer Inside Me” when Koteas popped up as one of the few relatable characters — a guy who sees through the charming bullshit of Casey Affleck’s disturbed killer. He’s the kind of actor that lives so close to the skin of the character that he gives off those blurry heatwaves you see above a hot blacktop.
And then yesterday morning I was in a screening of Martin Scorsese’s “Shutter Island” on the Paramount lot and — whoa — there’s Koteas again. It’s only one scene, and he’s in some gnarly makeup, but I was so psyched to see his probing eyes and malicious grin.
Anyway, we all know how versatile he is, how he sizzled as the seductive Vaughan in David Cronenberg’s “Crash” and as the terribly conflicted captain in Terrence Malick’s “The Thin Red Line” and his supporting roles in Fincher’s “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and “Zodiac.”
He’s one of those rare actors — I’m thinking of Joe Morton, or David Strathairn — who classes up any movie he’s in, no matter how crappy it is or how little he’s in it.
So: Elias Koteas. Put him in your fucking movie. Please.
Here's a scene from THE FILE:
INT. KIMBERLY’S OFFICE - LITTLE LATER
Drew is in his position on the couch. He is wearing an expensive-looking, blue 3-piece suit. Kimberly is looking a little uneasy in her chair. The little hand-held tape recorder is on. They are already into the session.
DREW
So, I don’t know. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t feel totally bad about it either.
(beat)
My work life is very stressful, even though I love what I do.
(beat)
Well, I don’t know if I actually love what I do.
He hears Kimberly tapping her pen on the edge of the book.
DREW (cont’d)
You nervous or something today?
KIMBERLY
(startled)
What? No. Continue.
DREW
It’s stressful, my work. I guess maybe yours is, too, huh? Well, I don’t know about you, but for me, sex is the tonic, the stress-reliever. Especially good sex for good sex’s sake. For fun, you know? No questions asked, no strings, no emotional baggage...
KIMBERLY
Why can’t you have that with a woman who isn’t a... professional?
DREW
Hey, I’d love to meet a woman naturally who feels that way about sex...
KIMBERLY
Lois...
DREW
No. Lois is not the woman we’re talking about, and she’s not ever going to be. We’ve been over this.
(beat)
Anyway, even if I ever did meet that woman, it’d be tricky, wouldn’t it? I’d have to know that she’d be able to maintain our confidentiality.
Kimberly fidgets nervously. He turns his head and looks at her. He notices the book and loose papers.
DREW (cont’d)
Hey, what'd'you lose my file or something?
He leans up on his elbows, sizing her up.
KIMBERLY
(trying to compose herself)
Of course not. I left it home last night. I was just reviewing your case.
DREW
(suspicious)
Really?
(beat)
I was your bedtime reading, huh?
She just smiles slightly, not taking the bait.
DREW (cont’d)
Well, I know you won’t tell me if you live with anyone, or whatever, but I hope it’s not where someone else can read it.
KIMBERLY
No. Definitely not. Don’t worry.
DREW
Don’t worry? That’s a first from you.
She just looks at him. He seems to be lost in thought for a moment.
This is very exciting to me because not only is Elias a dear friend of mine, but this gifted actor is interested in starring in and directing a feature film of mine, called "THE FILE." In fact, we just had a table reading of the screenplay last week, directed by Elias, and it was exhilarating.
It is so gratifying to see the harmonious rhythm and evolution of a bright light in a fellow human being. I speak often about "generativity" - the need in a developing adult to give back to the world through the expression of one's natural soul gifts. It's a beautiful thing to witness.
Congratulations, Elias!!
Below is the piece on Elias by Fernandez, and below that is a brief scene from my screenplay, THE FILE.
Here's Fernandez:
This is decidedly random, but I’ve seen two movies recently that featured typically strong appearances by the mostly unsung Elias Koteas. I don’t know what it is, but I find this guy exhilarating to watch and wholeheartedly believe that he needs to be on screen as much as humanly possible.
So I hereby call for casting directors to bring him in on everything — comic book villains, romantic leads, action roles, miserable dramas, pornos, whatever. Get him in the movie. Do it now.
At Sundance two weeks ago, I was suffering through “The Killer Inside Me” when Koteas popped up as one of the few relatable characters — a guy who sees through the charming bullshit of Casey Affleck’s disturbed killer. He’s the kind of actor that lives so close to the skin of the character that he gives off those blurry heatwaves you see above a hot blacktop.
And then yesterday morning I was in a screening of Martin Scorsese’s “Shutter Island” on the Paramount lot and — whoa — there’s Koteas again. It’s only one scene, and he’s in some gnarly makeup, but I was so psyched to see his probing eyes and malicious grin.
Anyway, we all know how versatile he is, how he sizzled as the seductive Vaughan in David Cronenberg’s “Crash” and as the terribly conflicted captain in Terrence Malick’s “The Thin Red Line” and his supporting roles in Fincher’s “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and “Zodiac.”
He’s one of those rare actors — I’m thinking of Joe Morton, or David Strathairn — who classes up any movie he’s in, no matter how crappy it is or how little he’s in it.
So: Elias Koteas. Put him in your fucking movie. Please.
Here's a scene from THE FILE:
INT. KIMBERLY’S OFFICE - LITTLE LATER
Drew is in his position on the couch. He is wearing an expensive-looking, blue 3-piece suit. Kimberly is looking a little uneasy in her chair. The little hand-held tape recorder is on. They are already into the session.
DREW
So, I don’t know. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t feel totally bad about it either.
(beat)
My work life is very stressful, even though I love what I do.
(beat)
Well, I don’t know if I actually love what I do.
He hears Kimberly tapping her pen on the edge of the book.
DREW (cont’d)
You nervous or something today?
KIMBERLY
(startled)
What? No. Continue.
DREW
It’s stressful, my work. I guess maybe yours is, too, huh? Well, I don’t know about you, but for me, sex is the tonic, the stress-reliever. Especially good sex for good sex’s sake. For fun, you know? No questions asked, no strings, no emotional baggage...
KIMBERLY
Why can’t you have that with a woman who isn’t a... professional?
DREW
Hey, I’d love to meet a woman naturally who feels that way about sex...
KIMBERLY
Lois...
DREW
No. Lois is not the woman we’re talking about, and she’s not ever going to be. We’ve been over this.
(beat)
Anyway, even if I ever did meet that woman, it’d be tricky, wouldn’t it? I’d have to know that she’d be able to maintain our confidentiality.
Kimberly fidgets nervously. He turns his head and looks at her. He notices the book and loose papers.
DREW (cont’d)
Hey, what'd'you lose my file or something?
He leans up on his elbows, sizing her up.
KIMBERLY
(trying to compose herself)
Of course not. I left it home last night. I was just reviewing your case.
DREW
(suspicious)
Really?
(beat)
I was your bedtime reading, huh?
She just smiles slightly, not taking the bait.
DREW (cont’d)
Well, I know you won’t tell me if you live with anyone, or whatever, but I hope it’s not where someone else can read it.
KIMBERLY
No. Definitely not. Don’t worry.
DREW
Don’t worry? That’s a first from you.
She just looks at him. He seems to be lost in thought for a moment.
GIVING TO GET OR DOING IT FOR LOVE?
A large percentage of the people I see in my therapy practice are professional artists - actors and film makers, writers and musicians, dancers and painters - and many more are amateur artists, often just as gifted, but not making an income from their gifts directly. So, I have spent a lot of time exploring the nature of creativity over the years, and addressing the various internal forces that can block its fullest expression.
The best book I've ever read on this subject is "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, who also wrote one of my favorite novels, "The Legend of Baggar Vance." (The movie with Will Smith and Matt Damon is great, too.)
Pressfield understands something that is key to understanding why artists struggle - that the greatest resistance in each of us is to the greatest calling in our soul.
Pressfield: "The more you love your art/ calling/ enterprise, the more important its accomplishment to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it."
Most often, that resistance specifically manifests itself in not experiencing creative expression as a giving process.
Here's Pressfield again:
"Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it."
This not only applies to artists, of course. All adults need to "give," to arrive to a place that Erik Erickson called "generativity," a developmental stage of adulthood in which giving back to the world is the compelling desire. Adults who are still trying to get the unmet needs of their childhood fulfilled are going against the tide of their development, and that is why they are frustrated, and that is why they suffer. Creative blocks are the soul's way of letting us know we're going against the flow. We're not giving.
Now, "giving" is a tricky word, so let me clarify. Giving is not doing good deeds. Nor does giving involve "sacrifice" or altruism or self-denial. No. Martyrdom is an elaborate attempt by the ego to get something. Giving in its truest form is the celebration of yourself with others through the loving and joyful expression of your particular gifts. If you are a singer, it means singing. If you are a painter it means painting. If you are an actor it means acting. If you are a teacher, it means teaching. If you are a carpenter, it means building. If you are a chef, it means cooking. And you're doing it because you love to do it, because to be happy you have to do it. You're not doing it to get praise or find self-worth. You're not doing it for the money, but neither are you refusing the money. You receive and enjoy the money as a demonstration of the principle that for adults, giving and receiving are parts of the same motion, like inhaling and exhaling are both part of breathing.
Pressfield: "To labor in the arts for any reason other than love is prostitution."
I would add that, finally, to do anything for any reason other than love is against our true nature.
So, my fellow artists, my fellow adults, conduct this experiment: do only what you love to do in life and see what happens. Discover the support that comes to you when you stop trying to get what you think you don't have and start giving what you truly desire to give.
The best book I've ever read on this subject is "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, who also wrote one of my favorite novels, "The Legend of Baggar Vance." (The movie with Will Smith and Matt Damon is great, too.)
Pressfield understands something that is key to understanding why artists struggle - that the greatest resistance in each of us is to the greatest calling in our soul.
Pressfield: "The more you love your art/ calling/ enterprise, the more important its accomplishment to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it."
Most often, that resistance specifically manifests itself in not experiencing creative expression as a giving process.
Here's Pressfield again:
"Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it."
This not only applies to artists, of course. All adults need to "give," to arrive to a place that Erik Erickson called "generativity," a developmental stage of adulthood in which giving back to the world is the compelling desire. Adults who are still trying to get the unmet needs of their childhood fulfilled are going against the tide of their development, and that is why they are frustrated, and that is why they suffer. Creative blocks are the soul's way of letting us know we're going against the flow. We're not giving.
Now, "giving" is a tricky word, so let me clarify. Giving is not doing good deeds. Nor does giving involve "sacrifice" or altruism or self-denial. No. Martyrdom is an elaborate attempt by the ego to get something. Giving in its truest form is the celebration of yourself with others through the loving and joyful expression of your particular gifts. If you are a singer, it means singing. If you are a painter it means painting. If you are an actor it means acting. If you are a teacher, it means teaching. If you are a carpenter, it means building. If you are a chef, it means cooking. And you're doing it because you love to do it, because to be happy you have to do it. You're not doing it to get praise or find self-worth. You're not doing it for the money, but neither are you refusing the money. You receive and enjoy the money as a demonstration of the principle that for adults, giving and receiving are parts of the same motion, like inhaling and exhaling are both part of breathing.
Pressfield: "To labor in the arts for any reason other than love is prostitution."
I would add that, finally, to do anything for any reason other than love is against our true nature.
So, my fellow artists, my fellow adults, conduct this experiment: do only what you love to do in life and see what happens. Discover the support that comes to you when you stop trying to get what you think you don't have and start giving what you truly desire to give.
REPOST: BEYOND THERAPY!
One of my favorite books ever written by a psychotherapist is called: "Is There Life After Analysis?" by Alma Bond, Ph. D.
Here's what Dr. Bond had to say about what makes for a successful course of therapy:
“...the ability to understand oneself, to love, to hate, to work, to mourn, to allow oneself pleasure when appropriate, to maintain a relatively stable mood, to know who one is and be comfortable with it, to see oneself and the world realistically, to be independent of one's parents or one's therapist, to remain emotionally and physically healthy in the face of anxiety and the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’, and to take over the role of the therapist when the treatment is over. In a manner of speaking, the primary motive of psychotherapy is to make the therapist obsolete.”
Yes! I have frequently said that if I am doing my job as a therapist correctly, I am continually putting myself out of business! [I refer you to my Stages of Healing piece for my take on the final stages of therapy even after you've stopped seeing a therapist.]
Now, notice that Alma doesn't say that one has to be issue-free to be done with therapy, but rather that one has to be able to honestly see oneself and be able to treat/confront the issues when they show themselves.
Here's more from Dr. Bond on what takes the place of analysis after it is completed:
“The definitive answer to the question of what takes place after therapy can only be answered by the character of the individual patient. Every patient who ends therapy will do something different with his life. My first result was that I became my own therapist. I began to work on my dreams in earnest. I also had more time and energy to throw myself into my career. In two years, I doubled my therapy practice, then went onto writing. Now, in present time, in this new era of my life, the force of energy I once devoted to therapy, and before that to being neurotic, is now focused on my writing career. I feel it is fueled by exactly the same source of power. We only have so much of it; if it is going into conflict, it is unavailable for work. Some will spend this energy enriching their family life, others in deepening their knowledge of the interest of their choice. Some may change their careers altogether. Still others may buy themselves the time and leisure to travel...”
How great, huh? To have all that energy back? Energy that was first locked up in our neurotic defenses and character structures, and then the energy that had to be devoted to the hard excavation and demolition work of those structures in therapy. That's a lot of energy! Having all of that back can do wonders for fulfilling oneself sexually and in love, in health and in our chosen paths to creativity and generativity. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! So, come on people, put me out of business already!
I just want to add a note about meditation here. Many people I know who are following some kind of spiritual path end up feeling very frustrated. They've read The Course in Miracles or Conversations With God or watched The Secret a hundred times and they just seem unable to make use of the Laws of Attraction. Well, here's the thing - all of the promises contained in those and many other spiritual teachings are real. We are meant to attain the fulfillment of our deepest desires, and we do create and/or attract our own reality. And meditation does "work." In fact, there's a cute little piece from the Huffington Post, called "How Meditation Makes You Nicer."
BUT... and it's a big but... you are always going to create and attract from your unconscious and subconscious first, so if there is a lot of conflict and negativity in there, you're going to find a lot of crap coming into your life before any good stuff does. You can't wallpaper over the unresolved issues, even with a valid meditation practice. You might achieve some level of "niceness" and glimpses of peacefulness, but it won't last. That's where the hard work of therapy comes in. I wish there was another way, but there aren't any end runs around this, and there arean't any magic pills! However, after therapy, watch what happens when you meditate for real. It's easy. All you need is love.
P.S. Last I heard, Alma Bond was alive and well and writing in the Florida Keys.
I'm coming, Alma!
Here's what Dr. Bond had to say about what makes for a successful course of therapy:
“...the ability to understand oneself, to love, to hate, to work, to mourn, to allow oneself pleasure when appropriate, to maintain a relatively stable mood, to know who one is and be comfortable with it, to see oneself and the world realistically, to be independent of one's parents or one's therapist, to remain emotionally and physically healthy in the face of anxiety and the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’, and to take over the role of the therapist when the treatment is over. In a manner of speaking, the primary motive of psychotherapy is to make the therapist obsolete.”
Yes! I have frequently said that if I am doing my job as a therapist correctly, I am continually putting myself out of business! [I refer you to my Stages of Healing piece for my take on the final stages of therapy even after you've stopped seeing a therapist.]
Now, notice that Alma doesn't say that one has to be issue-free to be done with therapy, but rather that one has to be able to honestly see oneself and be able to treat/confront the issues when they show themselves.
Here's more from Dr. Bond on what takes the place of analysis after it is completed:
“The definitive answer to the question of what takes place after therapy can only be answered by the character of the individual patient. Every patient who ends therapy will do something different with his life. My first result was that I became my own therapist. I began to work on my dreams in earnest. I also had more time and energy to throw myself into my career. In two years, I doubled my therapy practice, then went onto writing. Now, in present time, in this new era of my life, the force of energy I once devoted to therapy, and before that to being neurotic, is now focused on my writing career. I feel it is fueled by exactly the same source of power. We only have so much of it; if it is going into conflict, it is unavailable for work. Some will spend this energy enriching their family life, others in deepening their knowledge of the interest of their choice. Some may change their careers altogether. Still others may buy themselves the time and leisure to travel...”
How great, huh? To have all that energy back? Energy that was first locked up in our neurotic defenses and character structures, and then the energy that had to be devoted to the hard excavation and demolition work of those structures in therapy. That's a lot of energy! Having all of that back can do wonders for fulfilling oneself sexually and in love, in health and in our chosen paths to creativity and generativity. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! So, come on people, put me out of business already!
I just want to add a note about meditation here. Many people I know who are following some kind of spiritual path end up feeling very frustrated. They've read The Course in Miracles or Conversations With God or watched The Secret a hundred times and they just seem unable to make use of the Laws of Attraction. Well, here's the thing - all of the promises contained in those and many other spiritual teachings are real. We are meant to attain the fulfillment of our deepest desires, and we do create and/or attract our own reality. And meditation does "work." In fact, there's a cute little piece from the Huffington Post, called "How Meditation Makes You Nicer."
BUT... and it's a big but... you are always going to create and attract from your unconscious and subconscious first, so if there is a lot of conflict and negativity in there, you're going to find a lot of crap coming into your life before any good stuff does. You can't wallpaper over the unresolved issues, even with a valid meditation practice. You might achieve some level of "niceness" and glimpses of peacefulness, but it won't last. That's where the hard work of therapy comes in. I wish there was another way, but there aren't any end runs around this, and there arean't any magic pills! However, after therapy, watch what happens when you meditate for real. It's easy. All you need is love.
P.S. Last I heard, Alma Bond was alive and well and writing in the Florida Keys.I'm coming, Alma!
REPOST: ACCEPTANCE TO ENJOYMENT TO ENTHUSIASM!
I want to say to any of my readers who haven't yet read (or listened to) this book... Eckhart Tolle's, "THE NEW EARTH"... do it now!
To those of you have been doing the deep self-work of self-actualization, and to those who frequently read this blog or have read books like "THE BIG LEAP," by Gay Hendricks, you will find a familiarity in Tolle's words, but his clear, direct and high vibrational way of articulating these truths is special.
Many teachers and writers who speak about consciousness mention three levels of consciousness, or three ways in which consciousness can flow into what you do and thus through you into this world. I have talked about the movement from "false clarity to genuine confusion to genuine clarity," while Hendricks refers to the "zones of competence, excellence and genius" in his paradigm. Tolle breaks it down as "acceptance, enjoyment and enthusiasm."
Here's Tolle:
"The modalities of awakened doing
are acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm. If you are not in the state of
either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find
that you are creating suffering for yourself and others. Whatever you cannot enjoy doing, changing a flat tire in the rain at night, for example, you can, nonetheless accept that
this is what you have to do. Performing an action in the state of acceptance
means you are at peace while you do it."
Yes, Eckhart. People often ask me questions about how one can apply Full Permission Living to mundane and distasteful tasks like washing a sink full of dirty dishes or a load of dirty diapers. I answer them by proposing a version of acceptance, or "surrender," giving yourself to the task at hand which must be done for certain reasons, such as desiring clean dishes and fresh baby butts. In the process of surrendering, you can find ways to make the tasks at hand less arduous. Play music, listen to a great audio book, indulge a pleasant fantasy... whatever works for you. It makes the task easier and you can speed up time in the process.
Here's Tolle again:
"The peace that comes with surrendered action turns to a sense of
aliveness when you actually enjoy what you are doing. Joy is the dynamic
aspect of Being. Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do
and thus into this world from deep within you. You will enjoy any activity in
which you are fully present. The joy of Being is the joy of being conscious."
I love that line so much, Eckhart, I'm going to repeat it:
"Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you."
“I am a hole in a flute that the Christ’s breath moves through.”
That is true egolessness, and anyone who has truly experienced joy has simultaneously experienced deep humility along with it because they know at some level that they are channeling something higher than their ego.
Back to Eckhart:
"Enthusiasm means there is deep enjoyment in what you do, plus the
added element of a goal or vision that you work towards. This is why Ralph Waldo Emerson said that, 'Nothing great
has ever been achieved without enthusiasm."
Careful, now, all of you rigid character structures! Having a goal/vision is not the same as having expectations, which are a function of the ego.
Like Hendricks' "Zone of Genius," in which inspiration is the driving force, Tolle's enthusiasm is what I would describe as a "calling," a goal, in other words, that pulls you towards it, not a destination that you direct yourself towards with willfulness for the sake of inflating and supporting the ego and mask. In this place, you are at once surrendered, joyful and living your highest excitement, while expressing fully your generativity and benefitting everyone around you.
So, carve yourself into that flute, folks, and live your highest joy!
Do that now, too!!
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