BIG LOVE IS SMALL PORN!

There’s an article in today’s NY Times on the HBO show, “BIG LOVE,” which is a series about a fictional, polygamist Mormon family in Utah. The Times piece suggests that the show somehow brings forth the pain and conflict present in traditional marriages. I understand why the Times writer, Virginia Heffernan, would say that, and I agree that there is a lot of pain in most marriages, but I’ve watched Big Love, and I think it’s actually written to be a perverse, titillating, misogynist fantasy for men and women alike who feel trapped in co-dependent, sexually-plateaued, monogamous-by-contract relationships. It’s entertainment. “Bill,” the husband in Big Love, is a classic type. He’s super-horney, super-pious and self-righteous beyond the pale. His wives are submissive-but-strong-willed, self-effacing-but-gorgeous, repressed-but-overrun by their sexual desires for Bill. In other words, it’s a big budget porno movie.

I’ve written on the subject of so-called “open marriages” before, and what is humorously (in my mind) referred to as “polyamory.” We are so uptight about sex in this country that we think having sex with more than one person constitutes being “open” or means we’re experiencing “big love.” The truth is having sex with multiple partners is simply that. It’s only “hot” because it’s forbidden. We only feel the need to call it “love” because it’s forbidden. And right wing, religious guys and their teenage daughters engage in it so often because... it’s forbidden!

Monogamy isn’t more moral than polygamy, nor is polygamy more fulfilling than monogamy. Or visa versa. Everything is what you make of it and about what your intentions are going into it, where you’re at developmentally, and of course, how self-aware you are. These are the things that will ultimately determine the potential for something to enhance your life or not.

Monogamy that is spontaneous, a place that one arrives to not with a contract but from such intense love, Eros and sex that other sexual partners are not desired, is very fulfilling. Likewise, having multiple sexual partners for the explorative and experimental fun and pleasure of variety and diversity can be very gratifying. In the normal developmental stages of adulthood, though, I’d be inclined to say that one has to be fairly mature, with some amount of serious self-work under one’s belt, to arrive to spontaneous monogamy, while generally, indulging in multiple partners is the natural domain of the young. I mean, how can you find the love of your life, when you’ve barely even lived life? And similarly, after you’ve had two or more decades worth of sexual experiences, how can the nuances of yet another different body hold that much cache for a mature adult?

My assessment of “BIG LOVE” on HBO is that it is neither big, nor about love. But it is a pretty well-done, very soft-core porn series that demonstrates, albeit inadvertently, the hypocrisy of the righteous. I always enjoy that.