I responded to a recent "SMARTMOM" column, "SMARTMOM STILL LOVES HEPCAT," on one of my favorite blogs: ONLY THE BLOG KNOWS BROOKLYN. The column was a very courageous expose by the author, Louise Crawford, of herself and her own struggles with married life.
Below is my response to Louise/Smartmom:
You know, Smartmom, it's not supposed to be that way. The decline of Eros and sex isn't "part of the package" of marriage. Not at all. There is "more to life — and marriage — than the giddy fun of being a couple in the first throes of pre-marital love" - it's EVEN MORE giddy fun! In fact, the passion and the pleasure between two people who are in love is naturally inclined to deepen and increase over time. If you have found that careers, kids, money, family crises, etc., have left you "too tired" and "distracted" for sex, then something has gone awry in your marriage. You have lost site of where the well is. Perhaps you and your spouse have stopped revealing yourselves to each other past a certain point. Perhaps you erroneously think that you know all there is to know about each other. Undoubtedly, you have become mired in the two most common, but UN-natural Eros-and-sex-killing dynamics that occur in relationships: transference ("unbelievably handsome in his father’s double-breasted tuxedo") and co-dependence (feeling like "conjoined twins"). And by the way, if you've spent a "small fortune" on couple counseling, and transference and co-dependency weren't addressed, you should ask for some of that money back!
Your heartfelt piece touched my heart, Smartmom, and the fact that you wrote about it for all to see is powerful and brave and I salute you for that. Don't hunker down, though. Don't resign yourself. Not only does the best love, Eros and sex potentially lie ahead of you, but so, too, do the best years of your life.